


Innocence Lost

by kellou24



Category: Gossip Girl
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2010-08-15
Updated: 2011-05-28
Packaged: 2017-10-17 03:46:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 28,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/172569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kellou24/pseuds/kellou24
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Something traumatic happened to Jenny Humphrey and she doesn't quite know how to deal with it. Warning: Contains VERY dark material.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prolouge

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.

* * *

"Is that really necessary?" asked the young woman in front of me, fiddling nervously with her sleeves.

"Yes, it is." I said in my usual calm, patient tone when I'm talking to a patient. I pushed the record button on the tape recorder then turned back to her, giving her my full attention.

" I uh, I don't know where to start." She said licking her lips nervously.

"Well that's okay. This is only the first session so if your not ready to talk about whatever's bothering you then we could talk about something else until your ready. How about what you did this morning?" I asked hoping to get her to open up to me.

"Um, I went for a run at seven this morning. I had a piece of toast for breakfast and took a shower. I painted my nails and then tried to take a nap but I couldn't sleep so I went ahead and got ready before straitening up my room and coming here." She said releasing an anxious breath once she was finished. I observed her for a second watching her play with the sleeves of her shirt, pulling them down her arms.

"Do you sleep well?" I asked. She looked up at me then with wide bloodshot eyes and whispered a quiet no. "Insomnia?" I asked trying to clue in on what she wasn't saying.

"Something like that."

"How much sleep would you say you normally get?"

"Mostly only about two hours. Sometime four if I'm lucky."

"What about eating? Do you eat well?" I asked noticing her very thin state. Her shirt was very loose, almost hanging off her shoulder.

"I eat but I can't really keep it down. The only thing I can keep down is toast and soup." She said voice emotionless.

"What about running?" I asked changing the subject.

"What about it?" She asked confused.

"Why do you run?" I asked slowly, trying to ease her into the subject.

"I d-don't know." She said stuttering a bit on her words.

"Are you running towards something? Away?" I asked clarifying what I meant.

"Away." She said tears filling up her blue eyes.

"What do you feel when you run?" I asked curiously.

"Nothing." She admitted, sounding almost hopeful.

"Nothing? At all?" I asked hoping she'd clarify.

"Yeah." She said looking over at the clock before looking back at me. "Just empty."

"You sound happy about that."

"Yes."

"Why?" I asked. She fiddled with her sleeves again and bit her lip before replying to my question.

"I've been feeling a lot of different emotions as of lately."

"What kind of emotions?" I asked making a note of this.

"Anger. Resentment. Disgust." She said choking on the last word.

"Disgust? What disgusts you?"

"Myself mostly." She admitted scratching the back of her neck.

"Why are you disgusted by yourself?"

"Well look at me doctor. Don't I look disgusting?" She said spreading her arms out in front of her. "And before you start thinking I'm anorexic or bulimic, think again. I'm not throwing up willingly." She said with fire in her voice.

"Where do you think these feelings stem from? Not just the disgust part but the anger and resentment you feel."

"Well I'm angry at everyone really. I don't know why either. Logically I know I shouldn't be angry or resent them but I guess I can't help it."

"Is there an event in your life that would cause you to have these emotions?" She nodded biting her lip again. I could see it was turning red from her constant torture. "Mind telling me about it?"

"It's a long story." She said her breath hitching on the last word.

"Why don't you start at the beginning?" I suggested shifting in my seat.

"Okay" She looked down at her lap before glancing up at me through her bangs and starting her story.

* * *

A/N: So I wasn't going to start this yet but the idea wouldn't stop bugging me so I decided to go ahead. Before you start worrying I'm not going to forget about my other stories. I will try to update them all fairly often but I can't promise how soon some of my stories will be updated considering the three multi-chaptered stories I'm writing and the TVD_LAS challenge on lj. Also just a fair warning when reading this story it is going to contain VERY dark events so turn back if your easily offended or sensitive to dark subject matter. Thank you all for reading and I appreciate all of your lovely reviews.


	2. The beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

 **Warning: This chapter contains disturbing material. I apologize in advance if I have insulted or wrongly written something so traumatic.**

* * *

6 Months Earlier

I slowly blinked my eyes open to let them adjust to the light. My vision blurred for a moment and I could feel a headache trying to burst out of my skull in a steady tempo that was slowly but surely building up speed. I sat up warily and looked around dazedly at the room I was in.

It was a simple room filled only with the essentials.

A full sized bed, a set of nightstands on both sides of the bed, a cheap sixteen inch television set that was set up on an old rusted rolling stand.

I was currently lying in a cheap, dirty motel room.

I threw my bare legs over the side of the bed and felt a sharp pain in my lower body. I sucked in a sharp breath and looked down at my lap.

My dress had ridden up a few inches so I was able to see my upper thighs. I felt my breath accelerate when I saw the blood that was currently coating the inside of my thighs.

I realized suddenly that I wasn't wearing any underwear.

I stood up quickly from the bed and looked around the floor fearfully, silently praying that I had forgotten to wear underwear yesterday and that my period had come early. Unfortunately those prayers weren't answered.

Lying on the floor next to the leggings I'd worn last night were a simple pair of white underwear.

My underwear.

I felt my eyes begin to water as I looked down at the bed and saw in the middle of the dirty off white sheets was a big spot of blood.

My blood.

I quickly picked up my dirty underwear and leggings off the floor and ran to the door, throwing it open and running out into the hallway. I ran past an older woman and her crying children who were entering the next room, a shady looking older man with a beard and baggy clothes who smelled of cigarettes and scotch, and a couple in business suits who were leaving there room. I reached the stairs and I ran down them two at a time, tripping a bit in my haste to get out of this building. I rushed past the bored desk clerk who strangely resembled Norman Bates and threw open the door and ran out into the streets, not caring that I was barefoot and that I probably looked like an escaped mental patient. Not caring for the people staring at me but not stopping to ask what was wrong with me. I ran until I couldn't anymore.

I leaned against the wall in an empty alleyway, trying to control my breathing and block out the sound of the loud, disruptive city and the smell of week old rotted food coming from the dumpster.

I couldn't breathe. My throat felt like it was closed up, constricting my air flow. I clawed at it, trying to calm my sobs down long enough to take a breath while trying to subdue the tremors crawling through my body.

Teeth clenched, nails biting into skin hard enough to bleed, ignoring the tears rolling down my ivory cheeks and the pitiful sounds escaping my mouth. I slid down the brick wall I was leaning against until I had sagged down to the dirty ground. I hugged my knees to my body and laid my forehead on my knees, mourning the loss of my virginity.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm very sorry if I have offended anyone in this chapter. I don't know from personal experience or anything so I don't want to offend someone who has had something like this happen to them so very sorry if I've offended or hurt someone by my writing. Thank you all for taking the time to read this and bearing through this sad and very disturbing chapter. Reviews are appreciated.**


	3. You Think You Know A Person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

I walked into the hotel doors and was greeted by Vanya. He looked up in surprise when I walked in.

"Miss Humphrey," He drawled in his heavy Russian accent, brow furrowing in confusion. I flinched when he looked me up and down, eyeing my disheveled form before his eyes widened in realization and shot to mine with a horrified expression. "Oh. My. God." I swallowed and felt tears come to my eyes again and desperately tried to blink them away to no avail. His breathing picked up and he slumped against the receptions desk and clutched his chest, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Don't say anything," I said lifting a hand up as if I could physically stop him from talking with just a lift of my hand. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and a choking sob was wrenched from my throat.

"Who did this to you?" He asked in a wary whisper, eyes straying to my left hand that was clutching my ripped underwear and leggings that I had worn the previous night and then to my bare feet that were cut up and dirty at the bottom from running on the gravel of the roads and the sidewalks of the Upper East Side.

"I need you to promise me something, okay?" I asked avoiding the question that even I myself didn't know the answer to.

"What?" He asked lifting his eyes back to mine.

"I need you to promise me that you won't tell anyone about what happened to me. Not Dorota and especially not my dad or Lily. We can just keep this between us for now." I proposed running a hand through my hair and wiping away the tears rolling down my cheeks.

"I can't do that," he said shaking his head and running his hand through his hair. His shoulders were tense and I could see a vein bulging in his neck.

"Please just promise me," I pleaded feeling more tears gather in my eyes and wiped away the snot that was running out of my nose. He shook his head in a determined manner. His teeth were clenched making his jaw tighten. He was angry either over the situation or the way I was determined to handle it I don't know, one thing was for certain though. I could tell he would agree to my terms. He may not like them but he'd agree nonetheless. "Please," I begged in a quiet whisper. He closed his eyes but finally nodded. "Thank you." I said feeling relief wash over me. He just shrugged it off and looked down at the ground.

I walked over to the elevators, leaving Vanya behind with his obvious guilt and indecision over the whole matter. I pushed the up button and waited for the elevator to come down. It opened with an abrupt _ding_ and I stepped through pushing the appropriate button for the top floor on the way in. I leaned back against one of the many mirrors that surrounded the inside of the elevator and when I looked head on at the mirror in front of me, my breath caught in my throat when I saw how terrible I looked.

My hair was disheveled, eyes red and bloodshot, makeup was dried on my face and my excessive eyeliner that I had so brilliantly applied last night was now running all down my cheeks. My dress was rumpled and I could see a slight tear in the side starting from mid thigh and ending just below my hip. I wiped my cheeks trying to get the black streaks off my face. I only had just managed to make it blend in on my face when the elevator abruptly opened and I only hesitated a short moment before exiting.

I dragged my body out of the elevator and into the penthouse and was greeted by the sight of my dad sitting in the arm chair with his head in his hands. He didn't even look up when he heard the loud sound of my footsteps on the immaculate marble floor. His head shot up, his eyes meeting mine and I unconsciously flinched and felt another tear roll down my cheek before I opened my mouth to try to explain.

"Dad, I—." he raised one of his hands, cutting me off before I could tell him what happened to me.

"I'm not in the mood Jennifer," He said in a dull monotone, looking away from me and going back to staring back at the coffee table in front of him. "Go to your room. We'll discuss your punishment later."

"My punishment?" I asked in shocked disbelief.

"Yeah Jennifer punishment. That's what you get for staying out all night partying and drinking. Ringing any bells or are you still drunk?"

"What are you talking about?" I asked running a hands through my hair in an aggravated manner.

"Someone informed me last night, before I was about to send out a search party for you, and they told me that they saw you and three other girls stumble out of Eleanor's fashion show and get in a cab. Thank god they called me by the way. What the hell were you thinking anyway?" He looked back up at me his eyes not quite meeting mine and shook his head in a disappointed manner.

"Who?" I whispered feeling my blood run cold and a wave of hate overcome my senses. I just knew Agnes was somehow responsible. I shook it off as fast as I could and focused back on him.

"It doesn't matter who told me, what matters is that you were out all night drinking." He stood up and started to pace, wringing his hands together.

"Dad I wasn't drinking last night." I protested.

"So what? You were doing drugs instead?" He paused before continuing. "I can't even look at you right now."

"But dad—." He looked up at me then with barely contained fury on his face, again not quite meeting my eyes.

"Go to your room. We'll discuss this later." He said with his jaw clenched. I could tell by the look on his face and the edge in his voice that he was about five seconds away from yelling. I quickly scurried off to my room.

I leaned against the door once I entered and felt my eyes begin to water.

"Damn it." I whispered and fruitlessly tried to wipe away the tears that were starting to stream down my cheeks.

I stripped off my ruined Chanel dress and walked into the bathroom, throwing my ripped underwear and leggings in the trashcan by the desk and unhooking my bra on the way. I turned the water in the shower to scalding hot and stood under the streaming water.

I grabbed a rag, scrubbing my body, not stopping until it was red and the skin felt raw. I slid down the shower wall and put my head on my knees as I thought over my startling new opinion of my father. The man is oblivious.

If he'd looked closer he would have seen the ripped stockings and underwear that was still clutched in my right hand. He would have seen my rumpled dress and messy hair. He would have seen my red eyes and ruined makeup that had dried to my face. He would have seen the bruises that had started to form around my wrists and upper arms.

But he didn't look closer. He didn't care to because of his own preconceived notions.

If the doorman can tell what happened to me just by looking at me and my father can't, what does that say?

* * *

A/N: I'd like to think everyone for their amazing reviews and enouragement. You guys have no idea what that means to me. I'd also like to give a special shout out for shadylady21 who has reviewed practically every chapter for all of my Nate & Jenny stories. Your awesome! Also I thought I should point out that this story is set during season 3 episode 16.

P.S. Reviews could be nice.


	4. Broken Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.**

* * *

I bit my lip as I picked up another plate out of the sink, grimacing at the food that was still stuck to the plate, no matter how long it sat in the now dirty dishwater. I rinsed it under the running water before grabbing the yellow sponge I'd been using and started scrubbing the leftover food stuck on the expensive white china. Satisfied, I rinsed the soap off the plate before putting it in the drainer to dry and just as I'd put my hand in the dirty dishwater to once again repeat the same routine my 'darling' father considered to be part of my punishment, two hands unexpectedly landed on my shoulders causing me to flinch under the heavy hands weighing on my shoulders. The person let his hands fall away from my shoulders and moved to my right side, allowing me to catch sight of my assailant.

"Hey Jenny," Nate said giving me a friendly smile either oblivious or just ignoring my obvious flinch. I waved back awkwardly, splashing a little water on his shirt from my wet hand while I mentally rolled my eyes and chastised myself for being so jumpy over a friend putting his hands on me. I went back to washing dishes and tried to ignore him, hoping he'd go away. Of course with the way my luck has been going lately he just shifted so his hip was leaning against the bar with his arms crossed over his chest and continued talking to me. "Washing dishes. Isn't that beneath you now?" He asked teasing me much to my annoyance.

"It seems that this is part of my punishment." I said trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

"Yeah. Sorry about that." He said scratching the back of his head uncomfortably while giving me a sheepish, crooked smile.

"What do you have to be sorry about?" I asked feeling more confused than ever.

"You don't know?" He asked his eyes widening comically.

"Obviously not." I snapped starting to get aggravated.

"Well your dad called last night worried about you and I told him about me seeing you with your friends outside the fashion show getting into a cab." He shrugged apologetically as I tried and failed to fully absorb what he was telling me.

"You saw me last night?" I inquired in a small voice, my fist curling.

"Yeah, look I'm sorry about ratting you out to your dad. It's just he seemed really worried and I figured better he know from me what happened than to stay up all night running around the city looking for you."

"If you saw me why didn't you stop me?" I said trying to keep my voice from shaking and feeling my sharp nails bite into the palm of my hand hard enough to draw blood.

"Well I was about to stop you, when Serena called me, distracting me and when I looked back over the cab was gone." I turned my face away from him feeling it heat up as anger coursed through my body. He must have misinterpreted my red cheeks for embarrassment because he decided to continue. "Look this isn't so bad. You should have seen the stuff Serena used to get up to. This whole incident pales in comparison and besides you got home okay." He said obviously trying to console me but instead he'd unknowingly twisted the knife that seemed to be permanently wedged in my gut. I felt my blood run cold and my mouth drop open as I realized that the person that was my friend, my protector, was also the person who would cause my pain and suffering.

I suddenly pictured myself grabbing the pan I had just cleaned out of the drainer and smacking him over the head, not stopping until I'd beaten him until he was black and blue, blood spilling on the clean white tile as if that would some how make up for the fact that he could of stopped what happened to me. I tried to blink away the vision that suddenly entered my mind but to no avail. I knew it was wrong to think that. It wasn't his fault, not really. How was he to know that that would happen to me?

Even when I tried to tell myself that; it didn't stop the anger and resentment I felt towards him. I felt claustrophobic all of a sudden. I couldn't breathe and all I wanted was him to go away, out of my sight.

"What are you even doing here?" I asked trying to keep the anger out of my voice. I looked over at him again and my eyes narrowed as I laid eyes on his pretty face.

"I came to see Serena actually." He said offering me a small happy smile that I returned with a scowl.

"Well do I look like Serena to you?" I asked rhetorically hoping he'd go find his lying airheaded girlfriend and leave me alone.

"Actually, you kind of do. Long, blonde hair. Bubbly personality. I mean I have mistaken you guys before." He replied laughing at his own joke and fingering a lock of my hair before abruptly letting go and walking towards Serena's room, waving at me on the way.

My hands shook as I went back to washing the dishes, biting my lip to hold back the whimper I felt trying to escape my lips.

I had never felt so angry or so disgusted in my entire life.

"Are you sure Miss?" Brenda asked for the second time.

"Just do it." I said looking forward into the mirror at the hesitant hairstylist behind me. She shrugged before releasing a sigh and started chopping at my now brunette wet locks.

* * *

A/N: Reviews are lovely.


	5. Teenagers Rebelling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I own nothing.

I own nothing.

* * *

Forks scraped against plates with practically untouched food and ice melted in water as we sat around the table pretending to be one big happy family.

I almost give an indignant snort at the thought but manage to rein it in and take a sip of my water. I enjoy it because it tastes cold and empty and bitter and a bunch of other words I can't think of at this moment.

I wonder if you cut me open and tasted my blood if it would taste the same.

"How was school?" dad asked interrupting my thoughts.

"Fine," I answered curtly. He shook his head like he was exasperated but fortunately refrained from commenting about my new attitude towards him. I look over at Eric's usual seat which is at this moment vacant. "Where's Eric tonight?" I ask curiosity getting the better of me.

"Apparently he needs to spend some quality time with his sister because a psychic told him his sister is going through a distressing time and needs help." Lily answered with a roll of her eyes at how gullible Eric is.

"You've barely eaten," Dad observed pointedly staring at my almost untouched plate.

"I'm not very hungry." I said taking another sip of my water.

"You're getting to skinny," He said making me pause with the glass of water still pressed to my lips. Ordinarily I would take that to mean that he was concerned but the way he said it sounded like he was critiquing my appearance. He'd already had something to say about my new hair style and now he was criticizing my body type.

I slammed the glass down angrily making them both jump in their seats and picked up my fork with a piece of meat on the end. I met his eyes as I popped it in to my mouth and swallowed giving him a mocking smile before jumping up out of my seat and walking towards my room.

"Where do you think your going?" He asked at my retreating form.

"My room," I replied rolling my eyes at his pointless question and shaking my head at his stupidity. I opened my bedroom door and walked through the doorway slamming it closed and leaning against it closing my eyes and putting a hand to my chest as I felt how fast my heart was racing from the adrenaline pumping through my veins.

I heard their voices coming through the vent in my room and I unconsciously leaned forward to hear what they were talking about.

"I can't do it anymore Lily,"

"Of course you can Rufus."

"No I can't. Her attitude has only gotten worse in the past month and she's staying out late at night and skipping school again."

"She's a teenager Rufus. They act out and rebel. It's hard but you can take it."

"I don't know Lily. I think maybe I should let her go live with her mother for a while."

"Just calm down and give it some time. Don't be rash. Things will turn around, you'll see."

"I guess your right."

"Of course I am."

I tried to calm my breathing but to no avail. I wanted to hit something, preferably him. My eyes landed on the open door of my closet and I walked angrily towards it.

Inside was the newly acquired wardrobe I'd treated myself to when I realized that becoming apart of this family meant I got a hefty new bank account. At the time it meant freedom and celebration and now it feels like the invisible shackles that are wrapped around my wrist and ankles tying me down in this life of decrepit servitude.

I snapped and grabbed the skirts and tops that showed too much skin, making me sick to think that only a month ago I'd worn them. I threw them all around the room, floor, under the bed and on top of it, ripping the clothes until there were long jagged rips down the middle or sides when I could. Every time I ripped one I thought of something that had made me angry. Like all of dad's comments.

" _You skipped school to dye your hair! Who have you become because you're certainly not the daughter I raised!"_

 **Rip.**

" _I'm so disappointed in you. Staying out all night doing God knows what with God knows who."_

 **Tear.**

Or Nate's comments.

" _You know I'll always be there if you need me."_

 **Rip.**

" _You're not the person I thought you were."_

 **Tear.**

I was sitting in the middle of the floor when I finally stopped. I had sweat on my brow and I felt like I was hyperventilating. I was dizzy and felt like I was going to pass out as I quickly rushed to the bathroom to hover over the toilet and empty the contents of my stomach.

Once my stomach was once again empty and I was down to nothing but dry heaves I moved to the wall and collapsed against it. I felt moisture on my cheeks and I quickly wiped it away staring in disbelief at the tiles in front of me.

I hadn't even realized I'd been crying.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you guys so much for all of your amazing reviews and encouragement. You have no idea what that means to me. I hope you guys like this chapter.**

 **Reviews bring big smiles to my face.**


	6. You're Drug of Choice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

I rushed past a surly looking Chuck, who glanced up curiously as I passed, nursing a glass of scotch in his hand. I ignored him and opened the door to the upstairs bathroom. I leaned back against the door, closing my eyes and crossing my arms across my stomach. I breathed in deep even breaths as I felt the panic that had been racking up my body decrease.

I'd felt claustrophobic and like I couldn't breathe as I'd sat in the foyer downstairs. Blair's house was filled with fifty or more people, all here to celebrate Nate's birthday and I'd felt like they were all crowding in on me so I'd ran up to the upstairs bathroom to hide like the coward I've become while they all played some silly little game Serena had constructed to entertain all of the guests that came out to celebrate.

'Can't even get through a fucking birthday party,' I mentally scolded myself as I felt tears well up behind my closed eyelids. My arms dropped from my stomach and I banged a fist against the door in frustration.

I moved away from the door and stood in front of the mirror to survey my appearance. I was paler than normal and my hair was in a state of disarray but what really pissed me off was the terrified expression that marred my face.

A single tear rolled down my cheek and I angrily wiped it away feeling more frustrated with myself than before.

There was suddenly a knock on the door and Eric's voice floated through the air asking if I was alright. When I didn't bother to answer he poked his head through the door and met my eyes in the mirror. He opened his mouth to speak before shutting it and shaking his head, moving through the doorway and leaning against the door once it was closed.

I wordlessly turned around to face him, back facing the mirror and the rim of the sink pressing uncomfortably against my lower back. I watched with my face guarded as he struggled to find something to say.

"I saw you run upstairs and you seemed upset so I decided to follow you," He explained in case I hadn't figured that out on my own. I watched him scratch the corner of his jaw uncomfortably when I didn't immediately reply.

"Cool." I said in a monotone.

"Look I know I've been distant lately but you know you can tell me whatever it is that's bothering you right." He said watching my face for a reaction to his statement.

"What are you talking about?" I asked feeling my blank expression start to slip.

"You're different. I don't know what it is exactly but I can tell something's wrong with you."

"I've just been feeling a little bizarre lately." I said waving off his concern.

"We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all." He said giving me a pointed look. "You're upset."

"Well if I were happy everyday of my life I wouldn't be a human being. I'd be a game show host." I said pasting a smile on my face. He pressed his lips together to suppress a small laugh before calming down and giving me a knowing look.

"You do know that I'll get you to tell me whatever it is that's bothering you, right?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Sure you don't." He said his expression showing how likely he thought that was. I ignored that and instead told him that I was fine and to get back to the party. He gave me a doubtful look.

"Okay I don't feel well but I don't want to drag you down with me. So why don't you go back to the party while I sit up here, okay?"

"Fine," He said opening the door and starting to walk out. He stopped and turned his head so his eyes could meet mine one last time. "You're not fine. I can tell when you're lying to me and I will figure out whatever's going on with you." He gave me a last knowing look before closing the door behind him leaving me alone.

I spun back to face the mirror and wished I could get rid of the feeling of guilt and anger that had settled in the pit of my stomach.

I'd never lied to Eric before or at least not about something as big as this. I wish I could tell him. But I knew what would happen if I did. He'd tell dad and Lily and I just wasn't ready for that.

I hated feeling like this.

Hate feeling bitter and guilty and angry at everyone.

But what I hated more was that I couldn't do anything about it.

I eyed myself in the mirror feeling the anger and disgust hit me. My breathing elevated as my blood began pumping harder through my veins looking for a way to let this unused energy escape.

I didn't realize what I'd done until I felt the sting of the glass cut into my knuckles and heard the crash of the pieces of the mirror and the contents inside the cabinet hit the sink and the floor.

"Fuck." I cradled my fist as I breathed through my clenched teeth. I looked at my fist to see that the knuckles were bleeding a little, not enough for stitches luckily, and that they were a little swelled.

I looked to the door and hoped no one would come and investigate the noise. I bent down and quickly but carefully picked up the glass, throwing it in the trash once I was done. Then I picked up the fallen contents of the medicine cabinet.

A toothbrush, hair tie, toothpaste, dental floss, men's razor, tampon, a pill bottle…

I finished setting the contents on the counter and sat down on the closed toilet seat as I examined the bottle of pain pills in my hand. I twisted open the lid and popped three white pills in my hand. The writing on the front read Vicodin and after a moment of indecision I grabbed the glass on the sink and filled it with some water to down the pills with.

The pills went down my throat easily to travel the path to my empty stomach. I pulled open the shower curtain and stepped over the side of the tub to lay down in it. I closed the curtain behind me and reclined back in the tub waiting for the drug to take effect.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you all for your wonderful reviews and all the encouragement you've given me.**

 **Reviews are my drug of choice.**


	7. Sober

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

I woke to the sounds of horns blaring outside the window. I groggily sat up, smacking my lips and grimacing at the crusty taste of morning breath.

Or more appropriately, night breath since the only light pouring through the windows is that of the street lights outside.

I felt my eyes narrow as the light hit my eyes. I rubbed the back of my neck and I dimly realized that I was no longer lying in the hard tub waiting for my high to hit. Instead I was tangled up in fine black satin sheets in a bedroom that was neither mine nor one of the Waldorf's.

My breathing accelerated as I felt the panic start to creep through my system. I looked down and saw that I was, thankfully, still wearing the clothes from Nate's party.

My eyes drifted to the wall in front of me where I was met with an oversized framed picture of Chuck Bass. My head tilted in wonder at the image of Chuck wearing his trademark scarf and smirk playing with a chimp.

It'd be laughable if the drugs hadn't apparently already worn off and that I'd just realized that I was in Chuck Bass' bed.

I wrenched the sheets off my body and jumped off the bed, moving to the door as I tried not to think about the diseases that are most likely inhabiting the bed and trying instead to come up with a way to get out of here as quickly and as non confrontational as possible.

I opened the door and stuck my head out, looking both sides to check for any sign of anyone inhabiting the apartment. Seeing no one I hesitantly crept my way down the hallway and towards the elevators. Silver doors in sight, I walked faster towards them and had almost reached the buttons when a voice cut through the silence in the room, stopping me where I stood.

"Where do you think you're going?" drawled Chuck as I turned around to see him leaning against the bar with a glass of scotch in his left hand. He took a sip never letting his brown eyes leave my blue ones as he waited for a response.

"Home," I answer for lack of anything better to say as I hesitantly eye him. He nods accepting this yet I feel a sense of dread as I stare in his eyes. "Well you know it's getting pretty late and I really need to get home so I don't miss my curfew, and since it's already, oh 10:32, I should be going. But thanks for letting me crash here for whatever reason and I'll see you later, okay." I say practically stumbling over my words as I turn around and hurry to the elevator. I'd almost made it when his next words stopped me dead in my tracks.

"I know."

He'd said it so casually yet with an ever present seriousness to it that implied that I should know exactly what he was telling me. And I was pretty sure I did know but I didn't want to draw the wrong conclusions and end up letting something slip that he really has no business knowing. That no one else has no business knowing, which I was about 55% sure that if he ever found out he would let it slip to the whole world.

Blair, Serena, Nate, Eric, Dan, dad and Lily. Hell he'd probably even send out the story on gossip girl's blog to let the whole world know what happened to me.

I was getting ahead of myself, I knew. He probably just thinks that I've picked up a bit of drug habit since my relationship with Damien ended and is threatening to tell Lily and dad.

I turn back around to face him, keeping my face carefully blank so I didn't give away the panic that was threatening to show on my face.

"You know what?" I asked casually.

"I know what happened to you." He said eyes watching mine to decipher any emotion that would give away my inner-turmoil. I wouldn't let him.

"You might want to be a bit more specific because your cryptic little comments are getting annoying." I managed to snark back adding in an eye roll at the end.

"Did you know that when you get high you tend to start babbling about your life? Bet you didn't." He paused for a second to let that sink in before continuing, not giving me a chance to respond to that. "Well anyway you start prattling on and complaining about what an ass your dad is and how no one understands what you're going through right now because their heads are shoved so far up each others asses that they only listen to the shit they say about you instead of listening to you, hearing you out like they should."

"So what if I'm a complainer. Its part of the rich girl with problem's routine that I've adopted to fit in with people like you, Blair and Serena. It's not like it's illegal to complain about shit that's bothering you." I said hoping he was through.

"Stop trying to change the subject," He said giving me an annoyed look.

"Look I don't know what you're talking about and I really don't have the time or patience to listen to your annoying assumptions, so I'm going to go." I said backing away from him and moving as steadily as I could to the elevators.

"You told me you were raped."

I couldn't help but let my eyes fall shut when the words fell upon my ears, hanging stiffly in the air the moment after they'd abruptly left his mouth.

"I don't know what you're talking about." I weakly replied back, my breath hitching pathetically on the last word. I heard a scoff behind me and the sound of his footsteps coming closer to me.

"Sure you don't." He said now standing behind me, his body heat making me uncomfortably aware of how close we were standing."You can talk to me." He said sincerely, resting a hand on my tense shoulder. I abruptly stepped away from him and turned so I was facing him when I was a good distance away from him.

"I don't know where you've come up with this but-."

"Will you stop that?" He shouted at me, the volume and exasperation in his voice making me flinch. He grimaced when he saw me flinch, which seemed to make him compose himself before continuing. "You told me everything about your dad and Nate and all that happened to you so why don't you stop denying it and talk to me about it. Or better yet if you're scared to tell your dad then why don't I just go tell him about this and then you can talk to him about it." He said his face clearly showing how much happier and more comfortable he'd be with that option.

"No one would believe you." I said feeling anger start to overcome the panic that was streaming through my veins as I gave up on the notion of lying in the face of the cold heartless little boy who'd once almost committed the same act on me and who's now trying to get me to confess all my feelings and sit in some weird circle with him as he carried on this charade to make him seem not like the cold asshole he really is and so that he can pretend to be this better person who feels sympathy for someone who he'd once tried to brand with the same label that is now branded across my forehead following me around wherever I go.

Victim.

"Why do you say that?" He asked his forehead crinkling in confusion at my last statement.

"Because if you ever tried to say anything to my dad, I'll tell him what you would of done to me at the kiss on the lips party two years ago if Dan and Serena hadn't showed up to stop you." I watched him swallow and look down guiltily at the reminder of what kind of person he really is. I only felt a small moment of satisfaction at making him unsettled. "Think about it. You'd no longer be invited to the functions they host or get to come to be there Christmas morning when we all unwrap gifts. But I think you should especially think about the looks of disappointment Lily would send you every time you saw her." I'd walked closer to him so that I could whisper the last part in his ear. I pulled back to look into his eyes so he could see that I was completely serious.

I heard him swallow, his own eyes reflecting the internal battle he seemed to be having with himself over what decision he should make and if he was willing to pay the consequences that would follow if he made the wrong one.

"Well I better be going. My new curfew is at eleven thirty." I announce perkily as I walked backwards towards the elevators. He watched me, eyes never leaving mine, as I got on the lift. I gave him my best game show host smile, empty with no real emotion behind it, as the doors started to close, cutting off my view of his conflicted face.

I sighed as I dropped my smile and banged the back of my head against the back wall in the elevator, feeling like all of my energy had left my body, leaving me drained and tired.

The worst part is that I only felt a little bit of satisfaction when I threatened him.

What has happened to me?

* * *

A/N: Thank you guys so much for all of your encouragement and I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Reviews are like candy to me;P


	8. Guilt Isn't a Sin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I unfortunately own nothing.

Disclaimer: I unfortunately own nothing.

* * *

I cut off a piece of my waffle before putting it in my mouth, trying to chew it up and resist the urge to spit it out while avoiding Eric's probing eyes from across the table. I managed to swallow it down and I picked up my glass of orange juice to take a sip and get the dry taste out of my mouth when the elevator dinged open.

All of our heads swung around to see Blair step out in with her usual well put together look and her nose stuck up in the air. She walked towards our table of four, a false smile falling into place on her face easily as she greeted us.

"Good morning all," She greeted perkily, smile kicking up another notch. It seemed that I was the only one to notice how fake it was because Lily, Eric and dad all greeted her offering polite smiles in exchange. I didn't bother with the same pleasantries and no one seemed to take notice anyway. "I just came over to personally invite you to Dorota and Vanya's rehearsal dinner I'm throwing." She said in explanation to her abrupt appearance.

"What time is the party?" Lily asked excitedly.

"It starts at 7:30 tonight at Chuck's place." She said her smile wavering only for a moment when she said Chuck's name. I wonder if I'm the only one who noticed the red puffy bags under her eyes.

"Why isn't the party at your place?" Lily asked curiously. At her question Blair's demeanor visibly changed to her gossip stance, leaning her body forward and cocking her hip, the once false smile turning into a mischievous smirk.

"Well it's the strangest thing actually. After Nate's party last week I went up to the bathroom and there was glass everywhere."

"Glass?" Lily asked sounding surprised. My hand curled into a fist as she continued.

"Yeah it's from the mirror above the sink. It looks like someone literally punched the glass it was so shattered. It was all over the floor and some of it was in the sink and on the counters."

Dimly I heard her continue talking about it, going into more details about the sweaty "barbarians" her mother had hired to fix it but I was too preoccupied to listen to her babbling. My eyes were locked on Eric who instead of looking back at me or listening to Blair prattle on, he was staring at my hand that was curled into a fist. Or more importantly he was occupied staring at the bandage that covered up the scar that was left on my injured hand.

His eyes lifted suddenly to meet mine and I had to quickly look away at what I saw there. Confusion, realization, hurt and a bunch of other emotions that I either was not able to process or just couldn't read at the moment.

But what hurt most was the pity I saw there. It was like part of him knew in some way what had happened to me but the other part couldn't figure it out yet.

My fork dropped onto my plate with a loud _clank_ startling Lily, Blair and dad enough to distract them from their conversation and zero in on me.

"I have to go," I said as I stood up from my chair and started walking to the elevator, doing my best to avoid the questioning gazes that were settled on my back.

"Where are you going, sweetie?" Dad asked curiously.

"Well if there's a party tonight I'm going to need a dress," I said lamely as I slid my arms into my black coat. They seemed to buy it though because dad went back to eating and Blair and Lily continued talking about the caterer Blair had hired for the party. Everyone bought it but Eric.

"Why don't I go with you?" Eric suggested starting to stand up from his seat. My eyes went to his, my hand freezing on the handle of my messenger bag as I saw the questions in his gaze, questions I couldn't answer. Guilt settled in the bottom of my stomach as my hands finally unfroze so I could hurriedly put my bag over my head so it could settle on my hip.

"That's okay, I'd rather be alone right now," I said stiffly. "Besides I happen to know for a fact that you just bought you a new Marc Jacobs suit." I said quickly as I shuffled inside the elevator pressing the button for the lobby.

Before the doors closed completely I caught one last glimpse of them. Eric looked tense and like he was about ready to jump across the table to stop me. Blair, dad and Lily were too engrossed in their own conversation to notice which for the first time I was actually thankful for.

The doors slid closed with an ominous click before starting the trek down to the first floor.

I fisted a hand in my cropped hair, fingers twining in the short walnut colored strands as I breathed out an anxious breath that I hadn't realized I'd been holding. My cell phone beeped and I pulled it out to see a message alert.

 _Message Received: 11:37 A.M._

 _From: Gossip Girl_

 _Looks like N may have competition on his quest to be S' true love. The lovely caleygirl89 sent in this picture of Carter Baizen arriving at the Mariotte Hotel this afternoon. Hmm let's hope that we're there to see this happy reunion._

 _XOXO, Gossip Girl_

I couldn't help rolling my eyes and shaking my head as I put my phone back in my bag.

Whoever it is that runs this blog must have no life.

* * *

I took a sip from my cup as I watched the crowd around me who are either dumb as rocks or just really good at ignoring the tension that was surrounding them.

My money's on the dumb as rocks theory.

I started to walk around, sidestepping a drunk cousin of Vanya's who was gesturing enthusiastically and teetering on his heel as he tried to chat up a young blonde who was at least twenty years younger than he was when I heard my name being called behind me. I turned around to see dad gesturing towards me with an impatient look on his face. He must have been calling my name for a while.

I walked towards him wondering what he could possibly want. I paused for a moment when I saw that he was talking to Vanya and a heavily pregnant Dorota. I reached him quickly and he immediately placed his arm around my shoulders, probably as an act to show what a good father he could be to everyone at this party.

"Oh Jenny, I love your hair," Dorota said smiling at me.

"Thank you," I said as I stiffly smiled back at her but she didn't seem to notice because she quickly went back to talking to my dad. My eyes went to Vanya's who was staring at me with a look that I have become familiar with. It's the look he gives me every time we see each other now.

"How are you doing, Jenny?" He asked anxiously.

"I'm fine," I said through clenched teeth, giving him a warning look. He looked down guiltily for a second before he lifted his head determinedly.

"You're sure?" He asked. I looked over to see if they'd caught our exchange but they were both to engrossed in their own conversation about baby proofing.

"You know you shouldn't worry so much. You'll lose hair that way," I said viciously before shrugging off my dad's arm, turning around and walking away from him.

"Hey Jen," Eric said as he suddenly appeared in front of me. After successfully avoiding him for most of the day I wasn't really surprised that we'd have this conversation now. For some reason everything always seems to go down when we're in a public place.

"Eric," I said nonchalantly, giving him a halfhearted head nod as a greeting.

"Mind if we talk?" He asked sounding polite, but the look he was giving me was anything but.

"I'm kind of busy right now," I said trying to sidestep him but he moved in front of me, stopping me.

"Oh yeah, what are you doing?" He asked his eyes hard and his jaw clenching in restraint to hold back from asking the questions that I wasn't willing to answer yet. Before I could answer Vanya called for everyone's attention, halting all the dancing bodies around us.

"Now it is time to play traditional Eastern European wedding games. Some of these games date all the way back to the 14th century but back then they use virgins and today not so much." He said with a laugh while picking up a balloon. "First game we play is balloon game. Everybody must find partner, you take balloon and put in between. Now when music changes you and partner get closer. Ah, now whoever does not pop balloon wins game and winner gets rare matriochkana. Okay let's play."He said before giving the signal for the music to start up again and moving towards Dorota.

I turned back to Eric to see him eyeing me with a red balloon in his right hand. He grabbed my hand, dragging me out to the dance floor before stopping and stepping closer to me. He put the balloon between our bodies and put his hands around the back of my neck, ignoring my flinch at the contact and started to sway forcing me to do the same.

"Didn't think I was your type," I said sarcastically when I put my hands around his neck.

"So you going to talk to me about what's bothering you yet or do I need to keep guessing?" He asked ignoring my comment and watching my face closely.

"Look it's really sweet this thing you're doing but everything's fine with me and you're just wasting your time." I said sincerely but he didn't seem to believe me because he continued to look at me doubtfully.

"You don't honestly expect me to believe that garbage?" He asked raising an eyebrow.

"You can believe what you want to believe. I'm just telling you the truth." I said trying to sound disinterested.

"What truth is that?" He asked.

"That nothing has happened to me." I said heaving a tired sigh.

"Look you can deny it all you want but I don't believe nothings wrong with you and I'm not going to stop trying to figure out whatever it is that happened to you," He said leaning closer causing the balloon to make a weird noise when it rubbed up against the front of my dress and the button's on his white collared shirt.

"Well prepare to be disappointed," I said evenly before reaching one of my hands down and pinching the balloon. It made a loud _pop_ before deflating between our bodies and dropping lifelessly to the floor. I quickly stepped away from him, moving hurriedly through the crowd that had gathered around the remaining dancers and ignoring Eric calling my name.

* * *

I don't know how long I'd sat in the corner of the room avoiding Eric but I quickly shot up from where I was crouched down on the ground when I heard footsteps on the other side of the wall. The only thing that stopped me from running was the voices that accompanied those footsteps.

"Where are you going?" I heard Chuck ask angrily.

"Leave me alone Chuck," Blair said quietly.

"No. Not until you tell me why you're doing this." He said. I peeked around the corner to see they'd now stopped in the middle of the hallway, facing each other.

"You know why Chuck. You used and manipulated me." She said angrily.

"Like what I did is any different than what we do to people all the time." He said throwing his hands up in frustration.

"There is a big difference between us doing that to someone else and then you doing it to me." She said her voice breaking. She stepped closer to him, lowering her voice and I found myself leaning forward to better hear what she was saying.

"Jenny is that you?" I heard a familiar voice behind me say making me almost groan out loud.

'Just when it was getting good too,' I thought as I turned around to face Nate. "Hey Nate," I said feeling aggravated at his terrible timing.

"Hey, I thought that was you," He said giving me one of his charming yet clueless smiles which I didn't bother to return. "I almost didn't recognize you with your new hairstyle. It looks good, by the way."

"Thanks," I said absently as I picked up another red cup from the table I had been crouching next to and started the process of blocking out his voice now that he's started droning on about boring shit like how happy he is in his relationship with Serena. I threw in an occasional head nod or hum of agreement when I felt it was appropriate but luckily he didn't seem to notice that I wasn't paying attention to him. I was so absorbed in ignoring him that I almost missed what he said.

"—yeah, I wish I could have been at brunch with you guys today but Serena filled me in on all that went on there anyway so—"

"Serena wasn't at brunch today," I said interrupting him once I caught on to what he said.

"What?" He asked sounding confused. I ignored him again as I thought back to that message from earlier. Is she already cheating on him?

"Ah, you poor bastard," I said shaking my head and patting him on the back as I laughed walking away and starting to leave him. He grabbed my wrist abruptly, keeping me from going anywhere and moving in front of me so he could meet my eyes.

"What's going on?" He asked me seriously, staring me directly in the eye. I stopped laughing as I felt a moment of guilt at his predicament.

"Look you should talk to Serena, I'm not even sure if I'm right." I said trying to pull my wrist out of his grip.

"Just tell me. Please?" He begged his brow furrowing.

"Carter's back in town."

"That doesn't mean that she'd—"

"She lied to you Nate. What other reason could she possibly have for lying," I said interrupting him. He loosened his grip on my wrist allowing me to slip my hand out of his as I watched his face closely. He looked heartbroken which pretty much killed all the happiness I felt when I realized he'd been lied to by his 'perfect Serena'. "Talk to Serena. I could be wrong," I said sincerely before turning around and walking away from him.

* * *

A/N: So I realize that the party was actually at the Humphrey/Van Der Woodsen's but this is really the only way this would work. Thank you all so much for all of your reviews and encouragement. I'm still amazed at the response this story had.

Reviews are appreciated.


	9. The Mating Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer: I unfortunately own nothing.**

**Disclaimer: I unfortunately own nothing.**

* * *

I self-consciously smoothed down the front of the yellow dress Lily had forced me to wear as Ifelt one of Vanya's nephew's eyes on me again.

Within minutes of arriving at the banquet hall Vanya's mother, BeBe as she sternly instructed me to call her, introduced me to Luka the pervert. Somehow I'd made quite the impression with her last night, even though I have no recollection of meeting the crazy old lady, because of the modest way I dress and my shy disposition.

Apparently me being moody and not wanting to converse with people is actually code for her that I'm a shy wallflower.

Go figure.

She seems to think that I'm a good girl, unlike some of the other young ladies at this ceremony and she has so graciously decided to set me up with one of the few good boys in attendance, which apparently there aren't many because my choices for good life partners are between the pervert, the guy who smells like bad cheese and the guy standing in the corner who keeps picking his nose.

Cyrus drew my attention away from the guy with the sweaty palms as he asked everyone to gather around Vanya and Dorota. I stood behind a ridiculously tall guy, my heels giving me just enough of a height advantage so I could see over his shoulder, with Dan and Eric flanking my sides.

I heard Eric let out a quiet huff so I glanced out of the corner of my eye cautiously as I drowned out the voices of Vanya and Dorota as they pledged there love for each other to see if he was going to start hounding me with questions again.

Thankfully he didn't seem to be paying me any mind; in fact he was staring across the ballroom at something that must have caught his attention. I followed where his eyes were focused and saw a brunette that looked to be our age standing with a blonde girl. I watched as the girl put her arms around his waist, hugging his body closer to her.

I quickly looked back over at Eric when I heard his sharp inhale at the girl's movements. His eyes strayed suddenly to mine and I was just about to open my mouth to say something when my attention was called back to the center of the room when everyone began clapping.

I watched as Dorota and Vanya happily kissed and held hands, ready to be happily joined together for the rest of there lives.

"And now it's time to get married!" Cyrus exclaimed happily, throwing his hands up in the air enthusiastically while everyone started clapping. "So will the happy couple who will be escorting Dorota and Vanya into the chapel please step forward?" He asked gesturing for Chuck and Blair to step towards Dorota and Vanya. Chuck stood next to Vanya but Blair had her back turned towards them, not moving an inch.

"Miss Blair? Are you okay?" Dorota asked quietly as she stepped closer to Blair, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder.

"I can't do this." Blair said turning around until she was facing Dorota. Tears were streaming down her cheeks as she shook her head.

"Miss Blair?" Dorota asked confused.

"I can't keep pretending and I can't lie to you Dorota." She said as fresh tears started streaming down her face. "Chuck and I aren't happy, at all. And if we walk you in your marriage will be jinxed." She said making Chuck look down to the floor. "I'm sorry. I can't." She said before moving through the crowd and running towards the back room.

I barely resisted the urge to groan at her melodramatic behavior as I watched Dorota start to follow her.

Leave it to Blair to find a way to make someone else's day about her.

* * *

So the wedding pretty much went off without a hitch, saved for the obvious tension between Chuck and Blair.

I was now currently standing in the ballroom where we had all convened to afterwards so we could congratulate Vanya and Dorota while having the luxury to eat either fish or chicken that had been sat out most of the day under hot lamps.

Sounds delicious, right?

Eric had abandoned me to go sulk in the bathroom over the fact that his prospect for a new boyfriend was already someone else's. I wish I could muster up some sympathy over his predicament but I guess I'm still kind of ticked that his hope for a new boyfriend to hold hands with has overshadowed any worry that he'd had for me.

Sure, I most likely wasn't going to tell him but is it so much to ask for that he could at least pretend to still care.

I downed the rest of my glass of champagne, grimacing a bit at the feeling of the drink hitting the bottom of my empty stomach, while glancing covertly around the room.

Dad and Lily were talking to Vanya and Dorota, seeming to be having a great time talking to another boring married couple. Nate, Serena, Chuck and Blair were all absent, probably off fighting with each other or trying to take down someone who had done something to them.

Anyone else notice the pattern they'd seemed to have fallen into?

I looked to the right of the room and almost groaned when I saw Luka making his way eagerly towards me. I hurriedly turned around, almost running straight into one of the waiter's as I briskly walked down the hall, trying to get away from him.

I quickly ducked into the closest door, narrowly avoiding Luka who was enthusiastically chasing me as if I was playing a game with him. I sighed in relief as I sagged against the oak door looking around the room I'd entered.

It was another big room held for parties with a huge bar set up to the far left with stools surrounding the counter. But that's not what caught my attention.

Nate was sitting at one of those stools. He must have heard the sound the door made when it slammed against the frame but he didn't bother acknowledging me choosing instead to stare morosely at the bottle of Jack Daniels in front of him.

I cautiously walked towards him; aware of him inhaling sharply the closer I got to him. I sat down in the stool next to him, keeping my eyes on his face. He lifted his head, eyes meeting mine and I could immediately read the hidden message he was sending before he told me.

"She left with him." He said gruffly, not bothering to hide the hurt in his voice as he took another sip out of the bottle.

"So she-"I quickly cut myself off, dropping my eyes to the counter before I could continue, not really wanting to know the answer to that question because I really didn't want to feel sorry for him.

"No, she didn't." He said causing me to look up at him sharply. I stared at him feeling more confused the longer I sat here as I watched him alternate between staring at the wall in front of him and the bottle he was quickly draining.

"I don't understand," I said slowly.

"What's not to understand?" He asked with no emotion or conviction in his voice.

"If she didn't cheat on you then why are you sitting in here looking like she just killed your puppy?"

"Because she left with him," He said clenching his fist until his fingers turned white.

"Uh huh, and?" I asked waiting for him to elaborate.

"What more do I need to say? She chose him over me." He said turning so his eyes were boring into mine.

"How do you see that?"

"I asked her point blank not to talk to him and told her that I would help her find her dad, and then instead of agreeing to take my help she goes off with him instead," He said huffing angrily.

"I don't see the big deal," I said carefully really not wanting his anger turned on me.

"The big deal is that she lied to me about being in touch with Carter and the only reason she told me is because I found out from you that they were together, and then when given the choice between me and him, she chose him." He finished before directing his gaze away from my face and down to the counter.

I didn't know what to say after that, so we ended up just sitting there awkwardly not saying a word to each other for several minutes. Finally after seeing him reach for the bottle for the fourth time I decided I'd had enough of his moping and that I needed to put a stop to it.

I stood up on the counter picking up the bottle and proceeded to keep it away from him.

"Jenny, give it back to me," He said his eyes half lidded as he released an annoyed breath, just lifting his hand for it, not even bothering to look up at me.

"No." I said as I started walking to the other end of the bar.

"Jenny," He pleaded halfheartedly, still not bothering to look up at me.

"Nope," I said swinging my head towards him feeling a smile start to curve my painted lips upward as an errant brown curl fell in front of my eyes, briefly blocking my vision.

"Come on," He huffed finally glancing up towards me angrily. I watched feeling my eyebrows furrow in confusion as I watched the anger drain from his face to be replaced by shock and wonder.

"What?" I asked self-consciously, straitening my slumped form and reaching a hand up to tuck the stray curl behind my ear. He just shook his head making me fidget nervously as I stood above him. I decided to get down from the top of the bar, feeling the unease subside a bit as I hurriedly tried to climb down from the bar.

My foot slipped suddenly on the seat of the stool and I fell back, banging my head on the counter of the bar, making me dizzy. I let out a small laugh, feeling a gentle hand being placed on my forehead as I waited for the stars to fade from my vision. I cracked open my eyes to see Nate staring worriedly at me, thumb rubbing a soothing circle onto my forehead. I felt that same nervous unease return as I realized that he was standing between my open thighs and that my dress had had rode up a bit.

"Are you okay?" He asked smiling prettily down at me. I nodded sitting up slowly until I was completely upright waiting for him to step out from between my thighs.

He didn't, choosing instead to move closer, placing a hand on the back of my head and rubbing a soothing and gentle pattern into my hair. I licked my lips, nervously watching as his eyes followed the way the pink tip of my tongue ran over my bottom lip before licking his own.

He quickly threaded his fingers through my hair, pulling my lips to meet his.

I placed my hands on his shoulders, trying to push him away from me but if anything he seemed to have gotten closer ignoring my gasp. His hands moved from my hair, down my back before grabbing a handful of my dress while I tried unsuccessfully to push him off of me.

I started panicking when I felt the palm of his left hand start to run up my thighs. His hand had just reached the end of my dress when I bit down on his lip, hard.

He released me with a startled jerk causing me to fall back, only catching myself from falling off the bar when I hurriedly placed my hands on the bar, just managing to keep me upright. We were both breathing heavily and I only took a moment of satisfaction when I saw that his lip was bleeding before meeting his eyes which were apologetic and regretful as I felt my own well up with tears.

"I'm sorry," He murmured still breathing heavily. A sneer appeared on my lips once the sound of his weak apology reached my ears.

He wasn't sorry.

My hand moved so fast it was only after I felt the sting in my hand and heard the sharp _smack_ that I'd realized that I'd hit him. He looked shocked, placing a hand on his reddening cheek as he watched me move off the bar and walk towards the door.

I threw open the door and walked out of the room leaving him, choosing not to acknowledge the sound of glass shattering and his cursing as I ran out of the building, disgustedly wiping my lips off with the back of my hand.

* * *

 **A/N: Reviews are appreciated.**


	10. A Perfect Lie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not and will never own anything related to Gossip Girl with the exception of the DVD's.**

**Disclaimer: I unfortunately do not and will never own anything related to Gossip Girl with the exception of the DVD's.**

* * *

I flipped to the next page of my hardcover copy of _Carrie_ as I tried unsuccessfully to block out the loud gossiping voices of the social pariahs sitting around me and focus on Carrie's mental breakdown. If anything there voices seemed to become louder and more grating than before making my teeth grind and my fingers dig into the hard cover of the book. With a purse of my lips I slammed the book closed with an abrupt _thud_ and jerkily stood up from my spot on the concrete steps and walked hurriedly down the steps and away from my "friends", ignoring the confused whispers and calls of my name from behind me.

I stepped into the bathroom and leaned against the door with a heavy breath, running an aggravated hand over my face and through my hair. I stood there for a moment, perfectly still as I tried to slow down my frantic heartbeat and calm myself enough to keep from crying.

All I seem able to do anymore is cry.

Once my breathing is evened out I walk towards the sink and rest my hands on it as I lean forward to look at myself in the mirror.

There are dark circles under my lifeless eyes and my face looks thin and pale under the fluorescent lights, my hair oily and hanging limp around it.

I hear footsteps approaching from the hallway outside and I hurriedly duck into the last stall, clasping the lock in place just as the door opens and two girls step in.

"You're lying." accused one of the girls with a laugh in her voice. I leaned forward and looked through the crack in the door to see Karen Daniels, who was the girl who had spoke, and Michelle Ross standing in front of the mirror fixing their hair and make-up.

"No I swear it's true." Michelle said while leaning forward to fix her eyeliner.

"So how'd you find out anyway?" Karen asked curiously. I felt uneasy about this conversation and my palms started to sweat as I continued to listen, holding my breath and hoping desperately this wasn't about me.

"My sister saw her leaving one of the empty reception halls with her hair and dress disheveled. Apparently she was wiping her lips off so I think you can easily guess that what they had been doing involved her on her knees." I felt my stomach drop at her words and my eyes well up with tears that I tried to blink away.

"No way," Karen said in disbelief.

"Seriously and that's not even the best part. My sister heard glass shattering in the room so she'd walked into the room to see broken glass everywhere and Nate sitting at the barstool with his head in his hands." Michelle said slyly.

"Geez, I wonder what happened to make him do that?" Karen asked with wonder and aw in her voice.

"My guess is that she didn't let him finish," Michelle said with a wide smirk on her face.

"I just can't believe that she'd do that to her own stepsister." Karen said shaking her head like the idea was ridiculous.

"Oh please, if I was in her shoes I wouldn't hesitate to do the same thing. It is Nate Archibald after all," I felt my breathing accelerate as she went on. "Besides from what I heard, Serena's been cheating on him with Carter Baizen." Michelle said with a devious expression on her face.

"She cheated on Nate with Carter? That's like having the money to shop in Manhattan and shopping instead at the ninety-nine cent store." Karen said outraged with a disgusted look on her face. "What a slut."

"I know right." Michelle said laughing before fluffing her hair one last time and leaving the bathroom with Karen following dutifully after her.

The door had barely shut before I had dropped to my knees in front of the toilet and vomited violently, barely making it into the toilet. I wretched a few more times until all that was left were dry heaves that racked up my body violently before I collapsed against the stall door with tears streaming down my face and shivers racking up my spine creating goose bumps on the skin of my arms and legs. I pulled down the long sleeves of my top and wrapped my arms tightly over my midsection as I struggled momentarily to stand up from my crouched and uncomfortable position between the toilet and stall.

I maneuvered my way towards the door of the stall I was in, only having to reach out to steady myself from tripping and falling once. I unlocked the door and I stepped out of the stall catching my reflection in the mirror almost immediately.

"Fuck." I said before rushing back into the stall and hunching over the toilet once again, the word bouncing and echoing off the sterile walls that surrounded me like a cage.

* * *

 **A/N: Sorry for the short chapter guys but I promise the next one will be longer. Maybe. Thank you all for reading and reviewing, I really do appreciate it.**


	11. Frozen In The Headlights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I unfortunately own nothing.

Disclaimer: I unfortunately own nothing.

* * *

I pushed the food around on my plate listlessly, still not having an appetite after what had happened this afternoon even though my stomach was aching from hunger. I tried to listen to what dad was complaining to me about now. I think I heard him say something about me skipping school again but I couldn't be sure because I wasn't able to fully pay attention to what he was saying.

I kept getting distracted by the other patrons of the crowded restaurant we were at. They were loud and every time they'd have to walk by my chair and accidently brushed against me, I'd jump. I was needlessly nervous and I felt claustrophobic and dad really wasn't helping right now.

"- Priorities in order otherwise you'll end up fail—Jenny are you even listening to me?" The annoyed tone of his voice caused me to look up and meet his gaze.

"What?" I asked confused.

He pinched the bridge of his nose then said in a tight voice, "Never mind," before looking down disappointedly and shrugging off the comforting hand Lily tried to drop on his shoulder. I just shrugged and went back to pushing around the food on my plate.

I'd probably be more upset if I actually gave a shit what he thought anymore.

Someone walked by my chair again, unintentionally brushing against the back of my neck. It felt like the walls were closing in on me, suffocating me and making it hard for me to breathe. I couldn't take it anymore.

"I have to pee," I announced as I jumped up from the table and hurriedly walked towards the bathroom, avoiding Eric's inquisitive stare and ignoring Lily and dad's wide eyes from me loudly announcing that in a public place as I left the table.

I entered the restroom and breathed a sigh of relief as the tension immediately left my body. I walked towards the sink, turning on the faucet before placing my hands under the cold water, bending down and splashing it on my face.

I straightened up and grabbed one of the pristine white hand towels that were laying on the vanity and started to dry my face while keeping my eyes trained on the counter to avoid looking at my reflection. There was a sudden loud _creek_ as one of the stall doors opened and then the sound of footsteps walking closer towards me that was accompanied by a painfully familiar voice that caused my head to shoot up, locking eyes with **her** in the mirror.

"Well if it isn't Jenny Humphrey," Agnes said making my name sound like a disease. She stepped up next to me, standing in front of the sink next to me. My breathing accelerated and my heart started pounding painfully in my chest but I tried to keep how nervous I was from showing.

"Agnes," I said warily as I tucked my sweaty hands into fist.

"It's been a while hasn't it. How've you been Jenny?" She asked with false sincerity, giving me a fake smile. I just stared at her for a moment, waiting for the punch line of what was sure to be a cruel joke. "I figured not to good, especially after our last meeting." She said after a lengthy silence.

"Just say what you really want to say." I say getting tired of the bullshit.

"I guess what I really want to ask you is, well how did it feel to wake up the next morning and not remember what happened to you the night before?" She asked snidely as she stared at me with an amused smile on her face.

Don't let her see you cry.

I ignored her and walked towards the door but stopped just before I opened it. "I figure it felt just like you feel every day of your pathetic life. Numb and disgusted," I said looking at her over my shoulder. She clenched her jaw and brought her gaze to the floor. I opened the door and walked quickly to the exit of the restaurant, not bothering to look over at the table Lily, dad and Eric were occupying as I felt the familiar stinging in my eyes.

* * *

I walked determinedly to the master bathroom, with only one clear thought on my mind. I shoved the door open and closed it behind me, locking it with shaky fingers before moving to the medicine cabinet. I threw the doors open and started searching through the many pill bottles adorning the shelves, not really paying much attention to the various bottles landing in the sink and on the floor.

Finding one that seemed good enough, I opened it and poured out half the bottle into my left hand, some of the white oval shaped pills falling out of my palm and scattering messily onto the clean white marble floor.

I turned the faucet, watching the cold water shoot out and run over the pill bottles that had fallen into the sink before taking the ten pills lying in my hand and placing my mouth under the water to help me down them. I swallowed convulsively before shutting off the water and collapsing on the floor until I was lying down between the toilet and sink. I closed my eyes and for the first time in a long time, I smiled…

* * *

 **A/N: Before you guys start sending me hate mail saying how sick a person I am, please hold off until reading the next chapter. I have a point to this, trust me. It will all lead to something very big in the next few chapters…**

 **Thank you all for your wonderful reviews and encouragement. I really do appreciate it even if I don't always show it.**


	12. It Seems I've Made The Final Sacrifice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer: I unfortunately own nothing.**

**Disclaimer: I unfortunately own nothing.**

* * *

They say that when you die your life flashes before your eyes. For me all I saw was the possible reactions the news of my death would bring to others.

I could see Lily mourning over the loss of a daughter. Even though she isn't my mother, she has always treated me well, better then my real mom anyway. For all of her faults, I've never really blamed her for anything. Not for the lies she told us or the doubt she brought into her marriage with dad. The way I see it, she has her reasons for keeping things to herself because otherwise all you'll end up doing is hurting someone you didn't want to, so what's the point?

I could see dad shedding a few tears but it wouldn't be over losing me. It would be over the loss of what I could have been. The possibilities I held that would never be able to reach there full potential.

I could see Dan being particularly eaten up over the news of my death, but it wouldn't be over the fact that he's lost his one and only true sibling; it would be guilt that ate him up inside. He'd be guilty over his lack of calls and visits since starting college. He'd probably find some way to blame himself. Maybe he'd dedicate his first book to me. That'd be nice.

Eric I think would be the most heartbroken over my death. He's been one of my only true friends, always been there for me even when I was a total bitch to him and didn't deserve his kindness. I can only hope that he won't be the one to find my body.

I'm not sure what Blair's reaction will be. I'd like to think that she'd be at least a little bit affected but who knows with her. Maybe she'll pretend she's put together in public then when she's alone she'll shed a few tears but that's nothing but a fantasy on my part.

Serena will probably be the most unaffected out of them all. Not because she's a cold hearted bitch who wouldn't be saddened by someone's death, but because she's always had this optimism about her that's helped her bounce back from some of the worst experiences in her life. I think that's one of the things I admired most about her. Not her great looks or her really good luck at times but that even after all of the drugs and betrayal, she's still able to get up everyday with a smile on her face.

Nate, well I don't really care much about his reaction. I figure there will be some guilt and he'll probably think it was his fault. He'll probably confess what happened to Dan which will then lead to Dan kicking his stupid ass. I hope that wherever I end up that I get to see that.

Mom, well mom I'm not so sure about. I haven't really seen her in a year and she hasn't bothered calling in a little over six months so her reaction could be anything. I'd like to think that she'd be torn up over the loss of her "baby" but that's probably wishful thinking on my part. Even if she is upset, she'll have her twenty something model friend to help her get over it, so she'll be fine.

Everyone else's reactions don't really matter to me. I'm sure my supposed "friends" will cry at my funeral and tell everyone around how close they were to the poor girl who committed suicide while talking about how much of a bitch I was in the bathroom at the church. Agnes will probably visit my burial site when she hears the news and spit on my grave.

Life will go on and eventually people will forget about me because that's what we do. We forget about people that once mattered to us.

I think that's why Blair always tries so hard to make an impression on people. So that she won't be forgotten.

I considered writing a note to go out with a real bang and let them all revel in guilt but I prefer to keep them guessing and wondering why I would do such a thing. Chuck will probably be an asshole and end up telling everyone anyway, and if not Chuck then Vanya, so what's the point in wasting my precious time writing a note that will just depress me?

And now lying on the cold floor, I accept my death.

* * *

Oh, god. Is it supposed to hurt this much?

I whimper in pain as I lay curled up on the cold floor with my hands resting on my stomach. I feel like my brain is going to explode and there's a heavy ache in my stomach.

I've never felt this sick in my life.

"Ah!" I moan in pain, sweat running down my face and back making my hair stick to the side of my face and my dress cling to me uncomfortably. Saliva starts to fill my mouth and I unfortunately know what happens next.

My eyes roll back in my head leaving me feeling dizzy and disoriented as I roll onto my stomach and crawl pathetically to the toilet, praying I can make it in time.

I grab onto the sides of the toilet seat and pull myself up before placing my head into the toilet and retching painfully into it. I feel my whole body shake as I throw up, all of my muscles tightening before releasing painfully every time my stomach empties.

I continue vomiting until there is literally nothing left for me to throw up, leaving me shaken and gasping for air as the dry heaves slowly subside.

I weakly reach up and flush the toilet, effectively getting rid of the vomit inside the bowl that was starting to smell in the spacey white room but unfortunately it did nothing to get rid of the bad taste in my mouth that surprising had nothing to do with the bitter vomit I could still taste in the back of my throat.

What the hell was that?

Still gasping I tiredly crawl over toward the abandoned pill bottle that was lying on the floor surrounded by the white pills I had dropped and picked it up to read the label.

It was a simple orange bottle, just like any other bottle you get from the pharmacy when obtaining prescription pills. Only difference is that the pills inside aren't the right ones prescribed. I had mistakenly not payed close enough attention to the pills I had taken, assuming that the pills inside were vicodin.

Looking at the pill in my hand now I can see that while it is white and shaped the same way, there is no writing etched on the front.

It's just a plain white pill that causes you to be severely ill.

I turn the bottle over in my hand to see who they belong to and immediately start to gag and have to rush back to the toilet when I see that they belong to Lily.

But that's not what make's me sick. It's the name of the person prescribing them to her.

 _Dr. William Van Der Woodsen_

I retch painfully into the toilet again.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you all for your encouragement from the last chapter. Hope you all like this chapter!**


	13. Keeping Up Appearances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

" _Razors pain you; Rivers are damp; Acids stain you; And drugs cause cramp. Guns aren't lawful; Nooses give; Gas smells awful; You might as well live." ~Resume by Dorothy Parker_

* * *

I shrugged on my white pea coat, un-tucking and flipping out the strands of brown hair that had gotten caught before grabbing my large black bag and walking out of my room, down the hallway and towards the elevator.

"Where do you think you're going?" Dad asked from where he sat precariously on the love seat, eyes following me as I walked closer to the silver doors. I didn't bother answering him causing him to ask again in a more annoyed tone.

"Out," I said simply, pressing the down button. I heard him huff behind me before he stood up with a _creak_ from the couch, back making a loud popping noise as he stood up.

"Oh no, you're not," He said as he hastily walked towards me. "You're not leaving."

"And why is that?" I asked impatiently pressing the button again.

"You left the restaurant without a word to any of us last night, making us worried sick to our stomachs about what could have happened to you and now you expect that I'm just going to allow you to leave when you feel like it?" He paused to compose himself before continuing. "I don't think so. Go back to your room because you're not going anywhere today." He said angrily, his nostrils flaring and his arm raised with his index finger pointing towards the hallway I'd just came from, indicating for me to go back there.

"You're not serious?" I asked doubtfully, mentally rolling my eyes at his show of parenting. 'Great time to start asshole,' I thought snidely, waiting for him to continue.

"Of course I'm serious. We had no idea what happened to you last night and you have yet to explain where you went. So go back to your room and we'll deal with this later."

"No dad, how about we deal with this now since I know how hard it's been for you to deal with me lately."

"What are you talking about?" He asked looking tired.

"It's just that I know how hard it's been for you to put up with my attitude lately so why don't I just help you out?" I asked harshly, breathing escalating with every word I spit at him.

"I don't understand." He said brows furrowed in confusion.

"You never do." I scoff, shaking my head sadly before continuing. "You talk and talk about how you can't handle my behavior anymore but when have you actually taken the time to ask what's going on with me?" I ask my breath hitching and my eyes welling up with tears. He sputters unintelligently for a moment, mouth opening and closing as he tries to come up with something to say, most likely being a denial of what I just said but I cut him off before he can. "You haven't because you're too caught up in your problems with Lily and your threats to send me away to notice that maybe something's wrong with me other than teenage rebellion." I say just as the elevator doors open. I step away from him and into the elevator before he can stop me, pressing the button for the first floor hurriedly.

"Jenny," He whispers sounding astonished, staring at me with a weird mixture of shock and confusion on his face.

"By the way, you're not supposed to feel like you have to deal with your kid." I say bitterly as the silver doors abruptly slide closed with an ominous _click_ , cutting his face from my view and leaving me staring at my tear stained face. I quickly wipe away the tears that had fallen and hastily run a shaky hand through my hair to fix my appearance.

* * *

I knock on the white hollow door in front of me and impatiently wait for it to be opened, shifting restlessly on my feet.

"Come in," A distant voice drawls from behind the door. I quickly open the door and step through, only to regret it a moment later when I encounter a sight that I can honestly say I have never wanted to see.

Chuck stood in the hallway, wearing nothing but his boxers leaving his wide forest of chest hair on full display, with two tall women who were standing next to him and hastily stepping into there short dresses. He raised an eyebrow at my sudden appearance but beyond that didn't seem to curious as to why I was at his suite.

"Chuck, do you have a moment? I need to tell you something important." I ask awkwardly, shifting on my feet uncomfortably.

"Yes, just give me a moment to send these ladies off," He said as he picked up his wallet from the oak table before opening it and pulling out ten one hundred dollar bills and handing five each to the escorts standing impatiently with there hands out. Once they have there money, they walk around me to the door, giving me a wink as they walked past and adjusting the top of their dresses to keep it from falling to low and exposing their breasts.

Classy they are not.

I grimace as I bring my eyes back to Chuck, who is now thankfully picking up a pair of pants he must have taken off when his "company" was here.

"Sorry about that. As I'm sure you can see I was a bit detained with seeing to it that my company got off alright. Otherwise I would have gotten dressed before letting you in." He said absently as he stepped into his pants.

"I'll bet." I snorted. He gave me a cocky look before bending down to pick up his button down shirt and shrugging it on.

"So what can I help you with today? Or are you here for a little more then to socialize because if that's the case, I'm going to need about 10 more minutes." He asked giving me a smirk.

"No thanks. I'd rather not catch a venereal disease." I said snarkily. He just shrugged his shoulders as if to say 'your loss'. "Believe it or not I actually need your help with something of the non-sexual variety." I said reaching into my bag and pulling out the pill bottle, handing it to him. He took it, giving me a puzzled look.

"You need me to get you more?" He asked shaking the pill bottle that was now half empty.

"No, I need your help identifying what the pills are."

"If I had to guess I'd say Vicodin but I could be reading the label wrong." He said chuckling.

"No dumbass. Open the bottle and take a look at the pills." I said irritably. He rolled his eyes before opening the bottle and dumping out a couple of white pills into his hand. He picked one up and brought it closer to his face to get a better look at it. His head shot up in surprise to stare at me.

"These aren't Vicodin."

"No shit."

"Why'd you bring me these?" He asked suddenly.

"What do you mean?" I asked cautiously.

"Well correct me if I'm wrong but did you not threaten me to stay away from you because you don't want to talk about what happen—"

"Yes I did but I need your help now. And besides what I need your help with has absolutely nothing to do with **that.** " I said quickly cutting him off before he could go on more with **that** topic.

"Why do you need to know what kind of pills they are?" He asked curiously as he placed the pills back in the bottle and screwing the cap shut.

"I'm concerned for Lily's health. Her ex-husband has prescribed these for her and I'm worried about what they're doing to her." I confessed, feeling relaxed at being able to tell someone my concerns for the first time. I watched as he visibly stiffened at my confession.

"What do they do?" He asked seriously.

"Well I'm not entirely sure but what I think is that these pills are causing her illness." I said before running a tired hand through my hair. He watched me closely for a moment before speaking.

"Alright, I'll see what I can do."

* * *

"Okay I sent the pills to this guy I know and we should here back from him in a few hours." Chuck said as he stepped back into the room. I stood up from the chair I had been sitting on, wiping my palms nervously on the front of my jeans.

"So, now what do we do?" I asked him curiously.

"We call Blair." He said looking a little too happy about that revelation for my taste.

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you all so much for reading and reviewing;D**


	14. Stuck In The Middle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing.**

* * *

"Can I get you a drink?" Chuck asked as he walked over to the bar. I watched as he dropped some ice into his glass cup before pouring it full of scotch. He lifted it to his nose to smell it, pausing with the glass raised to his lips and raising his eyebrows at my lack of response.

"No thank you," I said slowly before glancing at the clock and seeing that it wasn't even twelve yet.

"Suit yourself," He muttered before downing his drink in one gulp, not even grimacing at the taste and without pause started to fix himself another.

"Why don't you just drink it straight from the bottle? It'd probable be easier then just fixing your glass every minute." I said with a grimace.

"It would be impolite to drink straight out of the bottle with guests around." He said without pause before downing the fresh glass he'd just made.

"When have you ever cared about being polite?" I asked sarcastically, giving him a smirk. He opened his mouth but before he could respond there was a terse knock on the door. He grabbed his glass and walked toward the door to open it and greet the person waiting on the other side.

"Chuck," Blair said harshly as she pushed past him.

"Hello to you too Blair and how are you doing this fine day?" He asked sarcastically before closing the door and following close behind her.

"I'm not in the mood for any of your games Chuck, so can you just tell me what's going on with Lily so I can go home." She said rolling her eyes before stopping short when she caught sight of me reclining in the chair. "Little J, what are you doing here?" She asked giving me a fake smile while surreptitiously glancing over mine and Chucks appearance and looking around the room.

"Don't worry Blair, I wouldn't touch him with a ten-foot pole." I scoffed before rolling my eyes at her jealous and dramatic behavior. She looked like she was about to say something before changing her mind and rounding on Chuck; demanding answers.

"She's the person that brought this matter to my attention." He said casually before turning his back on her to fix himself another glass; dismissing her presence behind him.

I couldn't help but stare; riveted, at his tense shoulders and her defensive and angry expression. It was like seeing the aftermath of a storm and not being able to look away from the destruction that was left in it's wake; knowing what was once there and now seeing the broken mess that is left.

You know if a storm was without visible destruction and was in the form of a condescending bastard and a raging bitch.

Blair pointedly cleared her throat and once he gave her his full attention she spoke, "What exactly am I doing here? You haven't told me anything besides vague details and that you suspect Lily's ex has done something." She said, tapping her foot in a show of impatience that really just made her look like a petulant child.

"I was getting to it but you interrupted me with your jealous accusations." Chuck snapped, his nostrils flaring with every hurried breath he took.

"Jealous? Are you kidding me? What could I possibly be jealous about?" Blair scoffed, sounding outraged and defensive at the mere idea of her possibly having such weak and pathetic feelings.

"Are you seriously trying to say that when you saw Jenny here that you didn't immediately think we'd been having sex before you arrived?" He asked, one of his eyebrows rising high enough it reached his hairline as he stepped forward, closer to her.

"Gross." I muttered under my breath, a disgusted expression forming on my face at the images that just entered my mind as I continued watching there disgusting display.

"Of course I didn't think that." She denied, not stepping down from his challenge. "Besides if you did sleep with her it would just prove that you are so clearly not over me." She said, smirking at him.

"Why is that?" He asked curiously.

"Because she's like my clone but with bad hair and a bad attitude. It would be clear that the only reason you slept with her was because she reminded you of me." She said sounding triumphant. "Besides she's a spoiled 16 year old virgin. I know how much you like them but I suggest you find another to de-virginize unless you want her daddy on your case."

I flinched at her words and watched Chuck visibly falter at her words. His eyes shot to mine with an unreadable expression on his face. He stared at me for what seemed like hours before finally looking away and focusing back on Blair.

"You don't know what you're talking about Blair." He said quietly, giving her a menacing glare. She stepped away from him looking confused and disoriented at his words and I quickly decided to stand up and intervene before she decided to start again.

"Alright children, let's get back on the real reason we're here and stop with the petty arguing." I said walking to stand between them. I gave Blair a look when she opened her mouth to most likely argue and she quickly snapped her mouth shut when she saw my glare. "Good, so now we can get back to what we're here for-" I was interrupted by a knock on the door. I looked to Chuck with what was sure to be a confused expression on my face. "Did you order more hookers?" I asked seriously.

"Of course not." He said sounding defensive.

"It was just a question. You don't have to be so defensive." I said holding up my hands in surrender. He huffed and walked toward the door, opening it.

"What the hell are you three doing here?" He said stepping back to open the door and allow whoever was on the other side entrance. Eric, Nate and Dan walked through, looking wary as they stepped inside the room.

"Blair called," Nate said as he passed him. He stopped in shock when he saw me in the room before he quickly lowered his gaze and walked on. Chuck turned to Blair with a raised eyebrow, obviously wondering why she did that.

"Like I was going to come here without witnesses." She said giving him a shrug and a fake smile.

I need a drink.

* * *

"Wait a minute, are you seriously saying that you think Lily's ex-husband is trying to make her sick on purpose?" Dan asked, his words somehow sounding doubtful and sarcastic at the same time, from his seat on the couch between Nate and Eric. Eric looked shell shocked, for lack of a better term and Nate just looked confused but he always looks that way so no real surprise there.

"Yes, Dan. I will say again, for the fifth time that I think Dr. Van Der Woodsen is trying to make her sick." I snapped in a harsh voice before trying to calm down. "Or at least make her think she's sick." I added as an afterthought, rubbing my forehead as I felt a headache start to erupt in my temple when a phone began to ring. I looked over to where Blair and Chuck were once again arguing with each other in the corner to see Chuck pull out his cell phone and quickly excuse himself to answer it. I turned my attention back to Dan to see him stand from his seat and start to pace as he fired off more annoying questions.

"How do know the pills aren't what they're supposed to be?" He asked suddenly, surprising me.

"I-" I faltered, knowing I couldn't tell the truth and not knowing what else I could say. I saw everyone turn there attention to me, eyes boring into me, waiting for my answer. My palms were starting to sweat and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest as I quickly tried to come up with an answer, knowing that the longer I didn't answer, the more suspicious they would be.

"Jenny?" Dan asked, eyes starting to narrow in suspicion and I quickly blurted out the first thing that popped into my head.

"Drug dealing." I blurted out, only realizing a second later how stupid that was when I saw Dan's face contort into a dumfounded expression. I hurried to say something else, to fix what I'd said before it could become an issue. "Damien was a drug dealer and he'd told me some stuff. That's how I knew something wasn't right. Well that and Lily's been getting sicker then before." I said hoping they didn't question me further. Dan looked like he was going to say something but Eric piped up before he could.

"That's true. She has seemed to have been getting worse in the past few days since da- I mean William came back." He said as he ran a hand through his hair. I breathed a sigh of relief when they all looked away from me and sent a silent thank you to Eric for his well timed help.

"Well looks like Jenny was right. It's not Vicodin." Chuck said as he walked back into the room.

"Then what is it?" Nate asked, speaking for the first time since he arrived.

"Doesn't really have a name. It's an experimental drug that will cause painful headaches and nausea. Basically it's like most of the symptoms of when people are going through chemo; sharp headaches that make it pretty much unbearable to move and puking your guts out." He explained.

"So it's like having a hangover and drinking a whole bottle of Ipecac." I summarized, shaking my head at the chances that I'd take the one pill that would make me want to die but not accomplish the job.

"Exactly."

"So what do we do now?" Blair asked sounding irritated and throwing her hands up in frustration.

"Well the person who distributed the drugs to Lily is a woman named Holland Kemble." Chuck said sounding tired.

"Isn't she our downstairs neighbor?" Eric asked confused. I thought for a moment and my mind suddenly drew up a woman in her mid-thirties who is friends with dad.

"Yeah. Her and dad are in that club together." I say, puzzlement clear in my voice. There was suddenly another knock on the door and I looked at Chuck, my expression flabbergasted. "Who the hell is that?"

"I don't know." He says but quickly walks to answer the door. Serena is standing on the other side and I immediately shoot a dark look to Blair for inviting her, but she's to busy staring at Serena to notice.

"Hey, sorry I'm late. My Dad and I were having lunch and-" She stopped short when she saw us all in the living room. "What's going on here?" She asked confused.

"Serena we have to talk." Nate said standing up. He looked incredibly uncomfortable which probably wasn't helped when Blair hissed at him to keep his mouth shut.

"Is this an intervention?"

* * *

 **A/N: Thank you all for your continued encouragement. I hope you guys aren't disappointed.**


	15. The Rise and Fall of Serena

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

* * *

" _Is this an intervention?"_

She appeared confused, looking us all over warily like we were going to rush and attack her where she stood uncertainly in front of us. I leaned back against the wall, deciding to stay out of it and let them handle it, knowing that anything I had to say to her wouldn't be helpful.

Eric walked over and leaned against the wall next to me. Without really thinking I put my hand on his shoulder, putting as much comfort as I could into the gesture and hoping it came off as sympathetic and not fake. He looked over at me and gave me a watery smile which I guess means that the gesture was appreciated. He dropped his eyes to the floor and with a sigh I went beck to watching what was sure to be an interesting conversation.

"No Serena. This isn't an intervention." Dan assured her, voice subdued with absolutely no sarcasm in his tone. He walked closer to her and gently took her hand in his to lead her to the couch. "Why don't you have a seat." He said, making it sound like a suggestion but it being anything but.

She reluctantly sat down and continued to watch us, making the others fidget under her inquiring gaze. "What's going on here?" She asked once it became clear that no one was going to say anything.

"Serena, there's something you need to know about your dad." Blair said, for once not sounding self righteous and all-knowing.

"What about him?" She asked, voice hardening and body stiffening.

"He's not the person you think he is." Blair said, coming to stand in front of her. She grabbed the ottoman and moved it closer to the couch so she could sit in front of Serena. She sat down, gently smoothing out the wrinkles on the sides of her dress before taking Serena's hand in her own, holding onto it tightly. "We think he's making Lily sick." She said bluntly, sincerity leaking from her words. Serena yanked her hand abruptly out of Blair's grasp and glared at her through narrowed eyes.

"Is that supposed to be a joke, because if it is it's not funny." She said angrily, hissing the words through pursed lips and leaning forward to get in her face. Blair leaned back from her slouched position, away from Serena, to sit up properly, her shoulders tense.

"It's not a joke Serena. We really do think that your dad is making her sick on purpose." Nate said quietly, staring at the ground so he wouldn't have to meet her eyes.

Coward.

"Wait! You **think** that he's doing something to her. You don't even know for sure?" She asked angrily, looking at us all through skeptical eyes.

"We're pretty sure." Nate said, glancing at her out of the corner of his eyes.

"Pretty sure? You're telling me that you don't even know for sure that he's done anything; that this is all one big estimated guess that you hope is right." She questioned, voice hysterical.

"It's not like that-"

"Really, well what is it like, Blair?" She said sneering when she said Blair's name. "Where's your proof?"

"He's her doctor Serena and he's been giving her the wrong medication." Blair said signaling for Chuck to bring over the bottle of pills. She handed them to Serena, showing her the label to read. "He's not the guy you think he is, Serena." She said, her voice regretful as she reached out to place her hand on her shoulder but Serena shrugged her off.

"It says here that the distributor's name is Holland Kimble; not William Van Der Woodsen." She pointed out pompously, like we couldn't read a damn label.

"So he got someone else involved. That's not a hard thing when you have money." Dan commented, rebuking her statement.

"That could be it. Or maybe there's someone else involved that you guys haven't considered because you're to busy accusing an innocent person."

"Like who?" Chuck asked.

"Rufus." Serena said jutting her chin out proudly at this announcement and making me stand up straighter.

"Why would Rufus be involved? He loves Lily." Blair said sounding genuinely confused.

"He's been having an affair with this Holland woman." She said shocking everyone into silence. "She told me herself."

"She's lying." I said, surprising even myself by speaking. Everyone turned to look at me and I quickly walked over to the bar to avoid their inquisitive stares that were aimed at my back following my every move. I grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge, the only drink in there that wasn't alcoholic, and took a long swig of it to wash away the nerves that were making my hands shake and helping distract myself so I can further prolong the inevitable.

"Why do you believe that?" Serena asked, sounding like she wasn't really curious and that all she really wanted was the chance to argue about it and prove me wrong.

Sorry to disappoint.

"My dad is a lot of things; an asshole, a terrible father, a neglectful son of a bitch to name a few, but one thing he isn't is a cheater. I mean honestly if anyone was going to cheat in that relationship it would be your mother because even he's not stupid enough to screw up the kind of set up he has." I said laughing a bit at the end. I look at them all and I notice that Dan, if anything, looks embarrassed at my display. Guess he doesn't want to draw attention to himself by sticking up for daddy on the off chance that Serena will get pissed at him and not speak to him for a week.

Shows how loyal he really is, doesn't it?

"Maybe he's stupid then because why else would she have come up out of the blue and tell me that?" She asked pointedly, looking triumphant and like she'd won.

"Aren't you a hypocritical bitch." I said, taking satisfaction in her shocked expression after the words left my lips. I reveled in her outraged look for a moment before continuing. "Believing what a stranger off the street tells you over your family, yet getting pissed off when people have an inch of doubt in your character. I mean I always knew you weren't that bright but this is stupid on a whole new level for even you." I said mockingly, watching as her face turned red and .

"Your opinion of me, which no one asked you for by the way, is not what we're discussing. You were supposed to tell me why it is that your dad is innocent but my dad is the obvious suspect but you can't seem to do that so I'm going to go ahead and leave because this is a waste of my time." She said standing up and pushing aside people on her way to help her make her escape to the door.

"Why are you so special now?" I ask her making her body freeze in the process of getting to the door.

"Excuse me?" She asked, not bothering to look over at me.

"You go months, years without your dad talking to you, so why now is he wanting to have a relationship with you?" She turned around slowly, teetering unsteadily on her six inch heels before regaining her composure and meeting my eyes, pain and doubt reflecting in her green orbs.

"Maybe he realized he made a mistake and wanted to get to know his only daughter. Isn't it at all possible that my own father just wanted to get to know me with no hidden agenda behind it?" She asked, sounding hopeful that maybe we'd agree with her and that that would erase any doubt in her father's motives.

"I'm sorry but if that was true why hasn't he tried to have a relationship with his son?" I countered, voice hard but not unkind as my lips hitched into a rueful smile.

Or a semblance of one anyway.

Her eyes shifted uncertainly to Eric's tense form, an unspoken question in her eyes. Eric just shook his head in a silent denial and she closed her eyes tightly, most likely to keep from crying.

It's pretty pathetic that the most exciting part of my day is crushing Serena Van Der Woodson's dreams.

She inhaled sharply and opened her eyes again to meet everyone's scrutiny. She flinched, looking like the fight had gone out of her but her next words were spoken with such determination that even I couldn't help but admire the moron.

"I'm sorry but I'm choosing to believe that my dad really does want to get to know me." She said starting for the door but Dan stepped forward and gently grabbed her arm, stopping her.

"Serena," He started, his words coming out sounding like a weird mixture of pity and admiration but his most likely disappointed but loving words were quickly interrupted by her some of her own.

"Save it, Dan because you'll never understand where I'm coming from with this." She said running a shaky hand through her long blonde hair, fingers tangling in the golden waves.

"Try me," He says softly, leaning a little closer than is probably what most people would consider was a little too intimate for two people who are just friends. "If you just explain it to m- us it'll help us to better understand."

"No see, no matter how much I tell you, you'll never understand because you weren't there. You haven't heard what he's told me. You don't know and you'll never understand how badly he wants us all to be a family again and I can't make you," She says to him with such conviction in her voice, making Dan's face soften. She shook her head ruefully, pursing her red lipstick stained lips before continuing. "So really it's all one big wasted effort that'll end with you pitying me because you think I'm being naïve, but I'm not Dan. I'm not naïve to think that just because I tell you something that you'll instantly believe it and that my dad's as great a guy as I talk him up to be but I've wanted to get to know him since he left when I was seven years old and now's my chance. So please, don't ruin it for me." She pleaded, a single tear streaming down her cheek.

He let go of her arm and she quickly raised it to wipe her eyes, sniffing the runny snot back up her nose and blinking her eyes frantically to keep anymore tears from falling, effectively removing any trace that for just a moment she looked anything less than her usual perfect self. She took one quick look around the room before finally walking out of the room, looking less confident than how she looked when she first entered the room.

I couldn't help but feel just a moment of sympathy for her, even if all the signs tell me I shouldn't. The girl's life is practically perfect, if you ignore the fact that her father abandoned her and that it seems like a lot of people want to expose her shameful secrets. She has friends and a family who just genuinely give a damn but she can't seem to not ruin every chance of happiness she has, even though she's had a million. Really it's kind of sad that she can't seem to get her life-

Never mind, I can't be sympathetic to someone so pathetically stupid.

Once Dan was done looking pathetically at the door as if that would make Serena suddenly reappear by his side, he turned to look at me with his best aggravated expression on his face.

"What the hell was that?" He asked sounding pissed off.

"What was what?" I asked back, playing dumb. I watched fascinated as his nostrils started to flair and his left eye twitched.

Who knew Dan could be funny?

"Oh don't play stupid; It's not cute, it's annoying. Was it really necessary for you to say that shit to her?" He asked angrily, wildly gesturing towards the door.

"What 'shit' Dan? Everything I said to her was the truth and you know it." I said defensively, starting to get pissed off.

"You didn't even consider that maybe what she was saying could be true." He said turning away from me so his back was facing me, leaving me to stare at his back in shock.

"You think dad was making Lily sick?" I asked outraged and shocked at his words.

"I didn't say that." He said turning back to face me.

"You also didn't deny it." I said running a shaky hand through my hair. "I can't believe you could think he could be capable of that."

"Okay first of all I never said I thought that. Second, what was that bullshit earlier where you said that dad was neglectful? When has he ever not been there for you?" Dan argued, questioning me. I could feel the steady rise and fall of my chest as my breathing escalated, frustrated tears pricking up in the corner of my eyes while the only sound I could hear was the steady ringing in my ear as I contemplated my next words carefully.

"You're barely home anymore Dan, how could you possibly know what's going on with us?" I reminded him pointedly in a weak voice.

"I know enough. Even if I don't visit all the time, that doesn't mean I'm incapable of picking up a phone. Dad's told me about your latest effort in rebellion. Real mature of you by the way." He said sarcastically making my stomach clench painfully in the need to be sick.

"And the prodigal son returns. You know I have to be honest with you Dan, I was kind of concerned. It seemed like there was a brief moment there where you didn't know where your loyalty lies but silly me, I forgot your loyalty lies with whoever's more convenient for yourself." I said smiling an 'oh, shucks kind of smile, hitting my palm lightly against my forehead in a gesture meaning I must have lost my mind. Dan it seems, wasn't as impressed by my words as I was.

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asked, defensively crossing his arms over his chest.

"You know exactly what it means Dan."

"No please, enlighten me. I'm curious for your answer." He insisted, giving me a hard look.

"All I mean Dan is that in this case, your choices were to either defend your father's innocence or stand by Serena. You chose the option where your darling Serena would continue to speak to you." I said harshly, glaring at him. I watched as he clenched his jaw and paused, seeming to not know what to say. The sound of someone loudly clearing their throat brought us out of our intense stare down, to transfer our attention to Chuck, who was currently standing awkwardly in the center of the room.

"I hate to interrupt your… Whatever that was but if we're going to get those samples for proof before tonight we're going to need to leave soon to meet up with my associate." He said calmly, already reaching his hand out for his cell phone on the table to call the driver.

"Yeah it's cool. There's nothing more **I** need to say." Dan said after loudly clearing his throat. I made a face at his back as he turned away from me to face the others and I quickly made the decision to get the hell out of here.

"Hey Chuck, you think you can handle the rest without me?" I asked, not bothering to look at him as I grabbed my coat off the back of the chair and started to put it on, slipping my arms through the sleeves of the coat.

"I think I can manage." Chuck said with a chuckle. I met his eyes and he gave me a small nod which I returned awkwardly before I turned towards the door, licking my dry, cracked lips and avoiding the others eyes as I opened the door.

"Leaving so soon? I would of thought you would of liked to stick around to prove you were right and Serena was wrong." Dan said and I didn't even bother to turn around to reply.

"You know it's a little weird how protective your being of her Dan. She's not your girlfriend, Vanessa is and next time your contemplating cheating on your girlfriend try not to be so fucking transparent about it. Especially when Serena's boy toys in the room." I said pointedly before stepping out of the room and walking down the hall, towards the elevator. The sound of hurried foot steps quickly followed and I rolled my eyes at Dan's need to have the final word.

"Honestly Dan, give it a rest already. It's hopeless trying to deny anything now." I said over my shoulder as I quickened my stride and hurriedly pressed the down button on the elevator. A large hand landed heavily on my shoulder and I turned around and opened my mouth to say the snarky comment on the tip of my tongue but my words were immediately stuck in my throat at the sight of Nate standing behind me, a little to close for comfort.

"Hey," He said awkwardly before removing his hand from my shoulder and running it through his hair.

"Hey." I said and a realized only a moment to late how harsh the words came out.

"Can we talk?" He asked in a hesitant voice, flashing a hopeful smile to further persuade me.

It ended up having the opposite effect.

"No." I said giving him no room to argue. Luckily the elevator doors slid open gracefully with a small _ding_ to announce it's arrival and I gratefully shuffled in without pause, turning on him. I pushed the button for the lobby and turned back around to see him still standing in the same spot, staring straight at me. "I'm not in the mood right now but soon, okay." I said before the doors slip closed, ominously ending the conversation.

* * *

A/N: I've had such bad writer's block and I really hope you guys are still interested in this. Thank you all for reading and reviewing. Also a few people made me banners and if your interested the links are on my profile.

Thank you all!


	16. Like a Ticking Time Bomb

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

 

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I politely declined the glass of champagne that was offered to me by a passing waiter as I gazed around the crowded ballroom filled with socialites.

From the old money to the new, the fat to the skinny, the old to the young, the room was filled with rich busybodies whose main goal tonight is to make themselves look good by giving money to some charity and to get there picture in the Sunday society pages. It astounds me sometimes how far these people go for a lousy picture.

Although I guess it shouldn't anymore considering how I'm considered to be one of those people now.

"J, is that you?" A perky girl asked as she bounced closer towards me. I think her name is Kayla. She had untamed brown curls piled on top of her head with a blue bow keeping them from bouncing in front of her face and a giant black purse balanced on her shoulder as she stopped in front of me with a wide smile on her face. "Oh thank goodness you're here, I thought I was going to be the only cool person here. It seems like the person handing out invites only invited old people." She said sounding disgusted. I looked around the room again and noticed that most of the people in the room couldn't be much older than there late forty's or early fifty's.

I went back to staring at her as she continued to ramble on (something about green tights). I watched curiously as she pulled her purse from her shoulder and rummaged around in it and I quirked an eyebrow when I saw that she had three cell phones inside and a whole bunch of silverware nestled inside her bag. She pulled out a tube of lip gloss and quickly smeared some pink gloss on her lips before shoving it back in her bag, all the while never tiring or stopping to take a breath from her long winded speech.

"Don't you think animal cruelty is wrong?" She asked abruptly, startling me.

"Animal cruelty?" I asked wondering how we could have possibly moved onto that subject.

"Yeah, you know that's what this event is for, to help raise money to stop animal cruelty from happening." She said really slow as if I was stupid for not knowing this. I guess she has a small point considering Lily did plan this event.

"Oh, yeah. These things just really start to blend together for me." I said in the form of a half assed excuse, feeling awkward under her watchful gaze.

"That is incredibly self-centered of you." She said seriously.

"Sorry, Kayla. I didn't know it was that important to you." I said to placate her.

"My name is Kara Smith and it would be good for you to remember it because I'm going to be the next gossip girl. I've already got my own blog started." She said proudly, seeming to forget about my insensitivity.

Guess she isn't to much of an animal person then.

"What's it about?" I asked pretending to be interested.

"Weren't you listening earlier?" She asked sounding offended at my lack of attention. She just rolled her eyes and crossed her arms before beginning to speak again before I could even come up with a response that might have appeased her. "Well since you clearly weren't listening the first time I'll just give you the edited version. The blog is about the trends that are in-style right now and the trends that I think will be coming in soon. You know, just an informative website for anyone whose the least bit interested in fashion so that they can know better before walking outside in something last season or anything equally as horrendous as wearing to much black eyeliner that makes them look like a raccoon." She said snidely, glancing away from me to gaze around the room at the other people, a sly smirk forming on her lips.

I scowled at her and forced myself to bite my tongue to keep from the slapping the snotty bitch. "Sounds fascinating," I forced out through gritted teeth, wishing more then ever that I could just leave the party.

"It really is." She murmured, her eyes laughing at me.

Before she and I could start pulling each others hair out, Nate walked up to us. "Hey," He said awkwardly. "Can I talk to you for a minute?" He asked me, licking his dry lips nervously and glancing warily over at Kara. I glanced over to her and saw her looking back and forth between us with an amused expression and it only took a second for me to understand what her vapid little mind had come up with, dread filling me at the thought of more gossip circulating about us.

"Well I'll just leave you two alone so that you can talk." She said putting extra emphasis on the last word before walking away from us, her shoulders shaking with barely suppressed laughter.

"Friend of yours?" He asked conversationally, eyes following her departure.

"Not really." I said blowing out an exasperated breath before bringing my attention back to him.

"Good," He said offering me a small smile.

"You wanted to talk?" I asked, not wanting to put this off any longer then was necessary. The smile dropped from his face and he quickly got back on track, just as determined to get this over with as I was.

"Yeah, look I'm sorry." He said surprising me. Out of the million ways I'd thought this would go, none of them involved him apologizing to me.

"Oh." I said for lack of anything better to say to him.

"Yeah, I know it wasn't fair of me to drag you into the middle of my problems with Serena and then kissing you when you clearly didn't want me to… I just hope we can get past this and you can forgive me." He said hopefully.

"Um, yeah. It's fine." I said awkwardly. He looked doubtful as he continued.

"Really? So your not mad at me anymore?" He asked curiously.

"What do you mean?" I asked warily.

"I just meant that you've seemed really pissed at me lately and I don't think it's just the kiss that's bothering you. It seems like you've been mad at me for a while now, since before Vanya and Dorota's reception and I don't know what I did but whatever it was that I did I just want you to know that I'm sorry." He said further shocking me. "Look, I don't expect you to forgive me overnight but I just wanted you to know how sorry I was and that I'm here for you whenever you need someone to talk to." He said placing his hand on my shoulder in a comforting gesture.

"Uh, thanks." I said uncomfortably. He offered me a quick smile before taking his leave and I quickly dragged my eyes away from his retreating form, stubbornly refusing to watch him walk away from me.

I stood there, dazed as the realization of what just happened hit me. He noticed. Out of everyone; dad, Lily, Dan- It was Nate, the most oblivious person I know that noticed something is wrong with me.

Before I could dwell to long on what I had just discovered, I noticed out of the corner of my eye, Blair and Chuck whispering in the corner. Blair was thrashing her arms around and gesturing wildly as she angrily whispered to him, her body completely stiff save for her arms that were coming dangerously close to hitting Chuck in the face. Chuck for his part had an amused smirk on his face as he watched her, clearly enjoying watching her get worked up. Seeming to give up on her tirade, she looked around the room and spotted me watching them from my corner. She scowled at me before turning back to a still smirking Chuck and proceeding to, from what I can tell anyway, lecture him. I watched him turn from amused to angry in the matter of seconds and I decided to quickly intervene before they started shouting at each other and drawing more attention to themselves then they normally do.

"Hey," I said causing them both to stop fighting and to look over at me. I shifted uncomfortably under Blair's glare before reminding myself that I don't care what she thinks and scolding myself on doing something so weak in front of her.

"In case you haven't noticed we're a little busy here so why don't you go play at the kids table." Blair snapped rudely, making me narrow my eyes at her.

"Yeah I noticed and I'm not the only one," I said, nodding my head over to the girl watching us with rapt attention, her cell phone clutched tightly in her left hand as she held it up so the camera was facing us. Blair sneered at the girl and she just snapped her phone shut victoriously before skipping off and without looking giving Blair the middle finger over her shoulder, making me smirk at the look of distaste on Blair's face. "Look I just thought I'd help you out before you managed to make a bigger spectacle of yourself than usual but I guess it was a wasted effort on my part." I said raising a defiant brow at the sour expression on her face. She keeps making that face she'll have wrinkles before she's forty.

"Well gee, thanks for taking the time to think of me. I know how terribly self involved you've been lately." She retorted sarcastically, her mouth pursed in a tight line.

"I've been self involved? Me?" I asked pointing to myself as I glared at her, disbelief filling me at her words.

"Yes you. You're the one whose so wrapped up in my ex's that she can't think straight."

"I'll say it again, me? Don't you think your confusing me with yourself in this scenario."

"I'm not the one begging for daddy's attention and then trying to sleep with Nate and Chuck to get a reaction out of him. I'm not that desperate for attention." She said with a sneer.

"Those headbands are clearly starting to cut off the blood flow to your brain if you actually believe that." I said outraged and annoyed at her instigation. I looked over at Chuck, waiting for him to back me up, to deny that everything she's insinuating is a lie, but he was too busy staring at Blair with an unreadable expression on his face.

"I just call it like I see it and well let's be honest, If by some chance I am wrong about you two screwing each other, eventually you will come running to him, ready to give up that gift that you hold so dear to your heart. After all you can only wait so long for Nate to take the time to notice you and who else would want you besides the guy that will screw anything that moves." She says after there's no response from Chuck, no further denying of her claims. I watch as she lets a victorious smile form on her face that is completely wrong for her to wear at this moment in time- like she's somehow earned the right to feel proud of what she's just said, like she's already won this argument.

"That's enough Blair." Chuck says, speaking up for the first time since I joined them.

"No I think I'm just getting started." She says not taking her eyes off of me as she speaks to him. There's a thoughtful look in her eyes and it makes me sick to look her in the eyes but I won't look away. I can't. "You know Jenny, your really not worth the effort anymore to insult. It's all gotten so repetitious lately that it's no longer fun watching you dig yourself a deeper hole to lie in." She says, her words purposefully taunting, waiting for me to take the bait she's laid out for me. I clamp my lips shut and after a moment of silence shared between the three of us, her face changes into something akin to delight and I watch with dread as her eyes narrow and her lips part, preparing myself for her sure to be cruel words. "You know it's kind of sad really. I mean Nate doesn't want you, your hippie mother doesn't call, cabbage patch is siding with Serena right now in the vain hope that she'll touch him… and now even your daddy's fed up with your attitude. He says he's giving you one more chance to change your tune before he ships you off to your free-wheeling mother, but I figure you'll let him down like always." She says pausing for a second to catch her breath and I take my chance to speak, even though I know this conversation would have a better outcome if I keep my mouth shut.

"Cut it out, Blair." Chuck says in a serious voice, interrupting her from continuing and with a tired sigh and a roll of her eyes, she turns back around to face him, her stance clearly that of a predator.

"Cut it out, Blair." Blair says mocking him. She lets out a crude laugh before turning back to me and giving him one last look over her shoulder. "Not yet."

"You don't know what your talking about." I say and I'm ashamed to admit that even I can hear the doubt in my voice.

"Don't I?" She asks rhetorically and the pity I hear in her voice makes me want to vomit. "I know that no one wants you; not your precious Nate, not your well-meaning father or your neglectful mother and despite Chuck defending you and willing to stick up for you right now, that's not going to last either. Eventually either he'll get tired waiting for you to give up the goods and move on to someone more worthy of his attention or he'll get tired of defending your actions and either way it won't matter because in the end you'll be alone and we'll all be better off without you around." She says cruelly, letting a satisfied smirk curl her lips as she stared at me with an expression that clearly said that she won.

Chuck makes a frustrated noise out of the back of his throat before grabbing her upper arm in a steady grip and hauling her up against his body. "I told you to knock it off," He says angrily, glaring down at her petite frame.

Blair roughly yanked her arm out of his grip and smoothed down the wrinkles forming in her once sleek black gown. "I was getting bored anyway." She says before walking off with a toss of her hair.

Chuck lets out a ragged breath as he watches her form retreat over to her designated place as Serena's right hand girl before running a hand through his perfectly kempt hair, making it look untamed and wild. He looked over at me hesitantly with a look of concern on his pale face and I realized belatedly that I was shaking and panting loudly with tears running down my alabaster cheeks. "Are you okay?" He asked hesitantly. I scoffed at him wanting to say that, no I wasn't okay you moron or tell him to go fuck himself but instead I chose the simpler option, the one that's always worked for me in the past.

I ran.

 

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I ran down the hall and crashed into the closest room, hoping no one important would notice my swift escape. I ducked into the room and shut the heavy door behind me, the door slamming closed with an ominous click that unsettled me.

I glued myself to the wall closest to the door and quickly scanned the room with bleary eyes, my breath hitching and getting lodged in my throat for a little too long than I was comfortable with.

My heart skipped one beat, two, as I looked from wall to wall for anyone I'd rather not have witness my shame. Finding no one, I slid down the wall, the paint chipping off from the belt around my waist. My heartbeat became erratic, beating to fast against my chest. I felt like I was dying, my throat tightening with every breath I tried to take. Fat tears were streaming down my cheeks leaving behind a wet translucent trail.

My throat felt tight like something had cut off the path for my breath to take. I started making an odd sound between a gasp and a gurgle, my hands coming up to thread tightly into my hair. I pulled on it until fresh tears sprang to my eyes from the pain making me grit my teeth. My body felt like it was on fire, my face burning in mortification. I pulled on the ends of my dress, feeling like it was to tight, to restricting. My breathing sped up, making me fear for a second that I was going to pass out. I quickly undid the bindings of the belt around my waist and dropped it to the floor beside me, where it landed with a loud clank, the sound seeming to echo around the large, empty room.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and laid my head on them as I tried to calm my breathing. My stomach muscles clenched uncomfortably and my neck ached in protest from the position I was curled up in.

A loud pained cry escaped my lips and for a paranoid moment I thought I heard someone coming into the room. I tried to make myself smaller hoping the shadows would cover me and when I didn't hear footsteps I glanced up hesitantly at the door, scared of who I might see, only to find no one there, meaning I was alone.

Just me, curled up in a pathetic ball waiting to be ridiculed. If anything I felt worse that no one was there, that no one had followed me or cared to notice that I was missing. Not dad who could care less about me, Chuck who knew what happened and still couldn't come to comfort me or at least do something to at least make it seem like he at all cared.

His pity would be better than this.

This was so stupid, me sitting here feeling sorry for myself and wanting Chuck Bass to pity me. I've clearly lost my mind if I want his or anyone's pity. They don't get the right to pity me, not after everything that's happened. Not Chuck, not dad, not Dan and especially not that bitch Blair.

Fuck them all.

The door opened abruptly, jarring me out of my thoughts and I hurriedly wiped my eyes hoping none of my mascara ran. Someone stepped inside the room and I heard the sound of there footsteps stopping signaling that whoever it was realized they weren't alone in the room. I glanced up calmly and almost rolled my eyes at the sight of Nate staring down at me with a confused expression on his face. I watched him look around the empty room curiously before he started speaking, his words echoing off the walls in the once quiet room.

"Is there a reason your sitting alone in the dark?" He asked sounding both amused and concerned.

"Do you really care?" I retorted, not refraining from rolling my eyes now. His lips pursed and after a moment of indecision he squatted down closer to me, wrinkling his sure-to-be expensive suit. He opened his mouth to say something before snapping it back shut as he leaned closer towards me.

"Have you been crying?" He asked tilting his head as he peered down at my face, a concerned expression on his face.

"Good eye." I said sarcastically, not bothering to deny it. He rubbed a hand over his eyes before pursing his lips, standing back up and holding his hand out for me to take. "What?" I asked confused, looking at his hand.

"Come on, trust me." He said, a smile on his lips.

Fuck it, I thought before putting my hand in his and letting him pull me up to stand next to him. Not bothering to let go of my hand he dragged me over to the bar in the center of the room and gently urged me to sit on one of the bar stools. After a moment of indecision I sat down which seemed to satisfy him.

I watched him, dread filling me as he walked around the bar and started pulling liquor bottles and glasses out and placing them on the bar between us. He didn't say anything as he mixed together a martini, glancing at me now and then. Once finished, he pulled out a martini glass and poured the clear liquid into it before sliding it across to me. I didn't touch it instead choosing to keep watching him as he fixed himself a glass of scotch. He lifted the glass to his lips to take a sip of the amber liquid but paused before doing so once he finally noticed me staring at him.

"What's this?" I asked pointing to the drink like it had done something personal to me.

"It's a martini and I'm pretty sure I've seen you drink one before." He said finally taking a sip of his drink.

"I meant why'd you make it for me." I clarified, rolling my eyes in annoyance.

"I figured you probably needed a drink if your feeling shitty enough to sit in the dark and cry." He said, lifting the glass to his lips again but pausing right before drinking from it. "Don't tell your dad." He said sounding very serious and subdued at the thought.

"You don't have to worry about me telling him anything." I said absently, staring at the glass in front of me. I'd had alcohol since what I now not so fondly call the "incident", but that was one glass of champagne, nothing that would do much except make me feel uncomfortably warm. This seemed bigger for reasons I couldn't understand. I glanced from under my lashes to see Nate giving me an odd look as he drank his scotch.

My left hand reached out and my fingers wrapped hesitantly around the stem, not pulling it closer towards me or pushing it away, just feeling it. I glanced up again to see Nate's lips twitching into a teasing smile and his eyes light up as he watched me, daring me to drink it.

I lifted the glass to my lips and downed the clear liquid, my eyes locked on his as it burned a path down my throat.

"Pretty good, but it would have been better with an olive." I said, smirking at him. He smirked back before downing the rest of his scotch in one gulp and grabbing my glass to make me another. In mere seconds another one appeared in front of me, this time with an olive and I quickly grabbed the olive and popped it into my mouth, chewing carefully.

"Better?" He asked, taking a sip of his freshly made scotch.

"Much." I said giggling as I lifted the glass to my lips once more.

This felt good. It may have been the alcohol flowing freely between us but I felt normal for the first time in a while. Things haven't felt this nice since long before "the incident". No bitterness, gossip, blame; things just felt right, like nothing could ruin this moment.

One glass, then another, and once we ran out of olives we just started sharing a bottle of whiskey Nate had found in a box. It felt like we were in a bubble, that could so carefully pop with the slightest prick and even tipsy I was aware of how last time I lost control Chuck had found out, so I remained guarded, but it turned out to be unnecessary. All we did was laugh over inane things like when Nate fell over off his bar stool laughing when he got dizzy spinning around on it. It wasn't that funny but I ended up laughing until tears spilled down my cheeks and my stomach muscles were clenching in protest. I guess I was a giggly drunk.

I wasn't sure how much time had passed since my cell phone was back at the penthouse and when I'd asked Nate he'd said his battery had died on his phone and he wasn't wearing a watch, so after while I just started counting time by how many drinks we'd had. I was counting 5 minutes for every drink I'd had and I summarized that about an hour had passed since I left the party.

The bottle was just about empty when things turned somber in the room.

"I thought she was cheating. I was sure of it." He says out of nowhere. I glance up at him but he's to busy staring at the bottle to notice. "I mean why else would she feel the need to sneak around and lie to me?" He doesn't wait for an answer which I'm happy about because I honestly don't think I have one. His face twists into a grimace before he continues, his words echoing loudly around the room. "No you know what, it's not even that she was keeping something from me. That's fine, she's entitled to her secrets but why him? Huh? Why could she trust him and not me?" He says bitterly, and meets my eyes like he's waiting for a response, like I'm supposed to know the answer. I say nothing, and eventually he looks away and continues his one-sided conversation. "I've been her friend for years, I loved, no, love her, and yet she keeps pushing me away like I wouldn't understand or something. I would. If she'd just talk to me about it, let me in for a moment I could help." He says his voice sounding oddly choked up and his face pinched. He hung his head, like he was tired all of a sudden.

"Maybe she's scared she'll push you away." I say, my voice uncertain and strained. He glances up warily at me.

"Why would she be scared of that? I'd never do that." He says sounding confused.

"Maybe she thinks the relationship is still to new for problems like this and she doesn't want to ruin it by bringing her problems into it."

"You think?" He asks hopefully.

"Maybe. I mean I'm not a Serena expert so I don't know what she's feeling but I'm sure she really does care about you." I sit there and watch him think it over. There's a question on the tip of my tongue that I can't help but want to ask and after a moment of indecision I decide to risk it, fuck the consequences. "Do you think it's my fault?" I ask finally looking at him seriously.

"What?" He asks, confusion showing clearly on his face.

"The way things are right now. Do you think I'm the one being difficult? That it's all my fault." I say watching him with anxious eyes.

"No." He says immediately, not unsure at all of his answer.

"Why? Why isn't it all my fault?" I ask when he doesn't elaborate further.

"There's too many problems and too many people involved for it to be your fault. Everyone's at fault, not just you." He says frankly, staring at me with honest and kind eyes. I exhaled a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding and lean my head down on my folded arms, staring at the amber liquid in the whiskey bottle solemnly.

"I feel like I'm stuck. Just repeating everything over and over again because I'm unable to move forward from what happened." I say, my voice barely above a whisper.

"Move forward from what?" He asks curiously. I can feel his eyes on me but I don't look up to meet them.

"It's nothing. Just something stupid that was out of my control." I say dismissively, still staring fascinated at the bottle. "No ones fault." I say quietly, for the first time accepting what I was saying.

I jumped when Nate grabbed the bottle suddenly and downed the rest of it in one gulp. He put it down and exhaled a heavy breath before sending me a smile. "We should probably get out there before anyone comes looking for us." He says easily, stretching his arms.

"Yeah that's probably best." I say, my voice subdued. It had to end eventually, it was inevitable. I stood up and walked over towards the wall I had been leaning against earlier and grabbed the belt off the floor. I fastened it around my waist quickly, smoothing the sides of my dress down to make it look less wrinkled. I ran my fingers through my hair, trying to smooth it down but I didn't have a mirror so I had no way of knowing how bad I looked. I turned around and saw Nate by the door waiting for me. I walked towards him and as I came closer I ended up stumbling into him. He caught me easily and set me straight, giving me a rueful smile. "What?" I asked, feeling self conscious.

"I didn't mean for us to drink that much. Now there definitely going to know." He said shaking his head.

"How do I look?" I ask, not responding to his previous assessment.

"Good." He says trying to keep a straight face but I could see his lips twitching.

"You're a bad liar." I say laughing as I opened the door to leave. He laughed coming out of the room behind me but he turned down the opposite hallway instead of following me back to the party. "Where are you going?" I asked curiously. He spun back around to face me and walked backwards away from me.

"I think I'm going to cut out early. Give her a chance to come talk to me when she's ready. No pressure."

"How considerate of you." I say teasingly.

"Well you know me, I'm nothing but considerate of others feelings." He said before turning down another hallway, out of sight from me.

I shook my head and walked down the staircase leading back to the party. I took a deep breath before stepping off the final step, coming into view of the party. I looked around the room, trying to find dad or Lily but came up empty when I saw Dan's back. I walked towards his, uncertain of what was to come.

"Hey." I said quietly. He turned around and looked at me, searching for something.

"Where have you been all night?" He said stepping closer to me so that no one else could here what we were saying.

"Here and there. You?" I asked glancing around me.

"What is that smell?" He asked suddenly making me glance up at him. He was staring at me suspiciously, making me nervous. "Are you drunk?" He asks seriously, eyes narrowed.

"Just a teeny tiny bit." I said, hiccupping as I held up my fingers to show him how much.

"This can't be happening right now." Dan said rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand. "God, you smell like Chuck." He said covering his nose like the smell was offending him.

"That was unnecessary." I muttered in a quiet voice as a my lips formed into a pout.

"I don't think it was. What were you thinking?" He said judging me. That's all Dan does is pass judgment on people. Judgy, judgy, Dan. He looked around and noticed something behind me. I turned and followed his gaze to see dad and Lily talking to that Holly something lady. They appeared to be arguing with her and she looked like she wanted to bolt from the room. "Wait here." He said before trying to step past me.

"Wait, what did I do?" I asked confused, stepping in front of him to block him from walking away.

"Choosing now to get drunk, why would you do something so stupid? I mean tonight of all nights. This is really important Jenny, we don't have time for this." He says harshly, preaching at me.

"Okay first off, not drunk. Just slightly inebriated. Secondly, If it wasn't for me there would be nothing important going on tonight. You'd be wallowing in the corner over Vanessa besting you, not standing here trying to feel like your doing anything of importance."

"Just stay out of the way, okay. You've done enough already." He says harshly before walking away from me and towards them. I watched him go, angry at him for berating me and judging my decisions. I watched him walk up to greet them, Lily kissing him on the cheek and dad giving him a smile, like they were just one perfect little family that didn't seem to notice that they were missing one, like I was that forgettable. It made me sick that Dan can somehow do no wrong, that he's always right.

Perfect fucking Dan.

I bit my lip hard, barely tasting the blood that rose from my lips as I looked away from the scene, my stomach feeling unsettled. I looked across the ballroom and saw one William Van Der Woodsen coming through the main entrance. Without thinking, I walked towards him and backed him into a corner in the room.

"You need to leave." I said bluntly. He looked at me surprise showing clearly on his face.

"Why?" He asked, confused.

"Because if you don't get out of the city in the next thirty minutes, you'll be arrested and become the girlfriend to some big, burly guy named Buck." I said to him impatiently. His eyes widened at my honest words.

"How?" was all he managed to choke out in a shocked whisper.

"I found the pills and we had them tested. And if that wasn't enough I'm pretty sure that your partner Holly-"

"Holland." He corrected, interrupting me.

"Whatever. Holland I'm pretty sure isn't going to lie for you if it means she can avoid jail time." I said annoyed. "So I suggest you hurry your ass on out of here unless you want to be behind bars for the next five to ten years." I said unapologetically. He nodded jerkily before starting to walk back out the door but stopped and turned back to face me just as he reached the door.

"Your Rufus' daughter, why are you helping me?" He asked curiously. I thought over his question for a moment, not quite sure how to answer his question. It wasn't because I didn't know the answer, I knew why I warned him. I wanted to hurt dad, to push him just a tiny bit and make him notice me. Not forget me.

"Does it matter?" I asked rhetorically, shrugging my shoulders. "You should probably hurry up and leave. Your wasting useful time you need to get out of town." I said gesturing towards the door.

"Thank you." He said before ducking out the door.

"Didn't do it for you." I muttered waving at the now empty doorway.

"What did you do?" Dan said from behind me, startling me. I turned around to see him with a shell shocked expression on his face, staring at me with a look of horror on his face.

"Where's dad?" I asked not answering his question.

"Jenny what have you done?" He asked needlessly, already knowing the answer.

"What was necessary Dan." I said coldly, not faltering under his gaze. His face turned angry and I decided then and there that it was time for me to leave before Dan made a scene and drew attention to us. "Tell Serena she can thank me later." I said before turning to walk out the door.

"Where are you going?" He asked angrily.

"Home."

"You're drunk. You shouldn't be walking around drunk." He said angrily.

"I'll risk it." I said leaving through the door. When I didn't hear footsteps behind me I risked looking back to see that Dan was no longer in the doorway. I stepped out of my uncomfortable shoes and held them in one hand as I started running home.

I passed through a crowd of people, bumping into some drunk tourists who yelled obscenities at me as I passed them but I paid them no attention. The only thing I was aware of was the frantic beat of my heart.

I blocked out all thoughts and sounds, not feeling anything at the moment. I felt nothing and it felt so good to not feel anything for the first time in the past few months.

At this moment nothing could hurt me because I just can't bring myself to care.

 

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A/N: I would like to thank you all for being patient with me. A few of you have left reviews that have went unanswered, I just want those of you that didn't get a reply to know that it was only because I didn't know when I was going to update and didn't want to give a deadline and not meet it. I already told Alita258, so I figured I should go ahead and officially announe that after this story there will be a sequel. It will be a while until that gets posted but I thought I would go ahead and share it with you all. Some amazing people made me some banners for the story and if you'd like to see them go to my profile. Thank you all for your support and I will try to update as soon as possible.

Reviews are appreciated.


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